My newest adventure is underway. It has lead me to take up residency in a new blog,
Like the Feathers of an Arrow (affectionately known as LFA).

...don't open...don't throw away... is not disappearing completely (not yet),
but postings here will be limited.

Monday, March 28, 2011

5 As Only I Could Dream

I woke this ev'ning to a dream
and found myself the real me.
she danced about as though carefree;
not tied to my poor self-esteem.

my fears were washed away downstream
and she was left for all to see.
I woke this ev'ning to a dream
and found myself the real me.

no longer is the silent scream
that torments my reality.
she has a fresh mentality;
it's one I wish would reign supreme.
I woke this ev'ning to a dream.

for starters, thank you to One Stop Poetry's Form Monday.  i thoroughly enjoyed the torture of iambic tetrameter and the fun(ky) rhyme scheme (ABba abAB abbaA), which i have (sadly) know memorized.  

so i wasn't sure about the second line; in my head i hear 'real' with two syllables (and the dictionary seems to agree), but at the same time it feels like it should only be one.  in the end i (obviously) decided to let it stand as two syllables.  i also had issues with the word 'different' (which depending on how i choose to pronounce it has two or three syllables...and the dictionary was of no help to me on this count).  in the end, i ended up changing the line for different reasons, but i think had i not i would have left it with an expected count of two.

upon finishing the rondel, i wondered if i should completely transform the end...rewriting the double refrain and extending it into a French sonnet (a.k.a. a rondel prime).  so if you have an opinion, feel free to share it with me.  the alternate ending would remove 'I woke this evening to a dream' and replace it with the following to lines:

I woke this morning from a dream
and found myself the real me.

okay, so i just changed the two lines above.  i think keeping the second line is better than my other thought (and found myself the same old me.).


  1. Hi...This is very good. I understand your concern about the word "real" Texas and the south..we say it long but one syllable ..reeeel sometimes dipping into a little y sound "reeyl good" before adding the next word. It makes scansion difficult especially if we try to hear what other regions/countries say. But re-al should be two syllables and your rhythms work perfectly. "same old me" would work but make the piece more colloquial. It depends on how you want it to sound, but this seems deeper less "folksy". That realization that in a dream you stripped your veneer and became truer to your nature socially, psychologically.

    The dance form works for this thought very well as though the dance of thoughts itself revealed your true self. "Evening" is three syllables and I'm betting (like me) you say it as two. So it still works as you speak it as iambic. You could put an apostrophe there before the "n" to make it truly iambic.

    "My fears were washed downstream" is iambic but only 3 feet (trimeter). You could add a word before downstream to make it four (tetrameter). Only because with those two exceptions, the rest of the piece is perfect iambic tetrameter.

    Well done! Thanks, Gay

  2. ha - now gay said already everything i wanted to say as well (she's a gem..) i like your rondel very much and if you take gay's suggestions, it's just perfect

  3. I ditto the comments made by both Gay and Claudia! I really enjoyed the read of this poem, see you've played with a few forms on your blog, sorry I've been lurking!

  4. Gay, thank you. I usually fret so much over syllable count that I can't believe I missed the three syllable count on 'evening'. (and you're right, in my head I hear it as two.) as for "my fears were washed downstream" I did forget a word and again am surprised I missed it. thank you for your diligent eyes.

  5. this is a lovely Rondel. great writing!