My newest adventure is underway. It has lead me to take up residency in a new blog,
Like the Feathers of an Arrow (affectionately known as LFA).

...don't open...don't throw away... is not disappearing completely (not yet),
but postings here will be limited.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

1 hiding? why?

quite some time ago, i wrote six words as part of a poem.  i have revisited them within this blog on at least four other occasions. they are deeply embedded into every key i press...every word i write...every single hesitation i take when hitting the 'publish post' button.  

"social anxiety follows me into cyberspace."

so, while i'm usually relatively good at coping with said anxiety, balancing it in both my 'real' world and my 'cyber' world has become quite a challenge.  it seems odd to me that this fear...this paranoia...this anxiety could find its way into a world where one can exist with such anonymity...where one can reinvent themselves...where one can let down their walls.  

but this fear is not built around anonymity.  it centers on judgement...on the thoughts and views of others...on the mere idea of exposing oneself to being evaluated negatively in a social arena.  and here i am exposed far more than i am in my 'real' world.

i hold my breath every time i hit the button to post.  i cringe every time i read over my own words and know that there is someone out there reading them as well.  i close my eyes to the deafening silence to hold back the tears that long to rush forth.  

i needed a reprieve.  i needed to wash myself of the constant buzzing in my ear that drew me time and time again back to the torture.  i needed to breathe.  going into hiding...condemning myself to a self-imposed exile...getting in touch with my far too neglected and practically nonexistent happy side...was the only way i could think to calm the paranoid rhetoric running rampant through my head.  

my nerves have settled a mind has tuned the station to a more relaxing sound...

so am i back?  i'm not sure...i'm taking it slow and still finding some me time in my little hideaway.  

Sunday, June 19, 2011

9 Graffiti'd: One Night Impression

Photo by Chris Galford
(cropped from original below)
she snuck in
under cover of night
shaking my world
like a spray can
her fingertips exerting
just the right
amount of pressure
splashing brilliant colors
across the wall I built
then she disappeared
her mark soaking into me
leaving an imprint
on my heart

Photo by Chris Galford
upon visiting One Stop Poetry's One Shoot Sunday [graffiti'd] today, i couldn't help but ask myself...

was it a sign that my latest train of thoughts while in hiding was about dreams.  (my first fixation was on laughs.)  anyway...i guess it was a sign 'cause the words just flew forth...granted they had nothing to do with dreams...although i'd like to think she gave him a little something to dream about...

so why the resent fixation on dreams...not sure i really know.  as i mentioned in my last post i'm looking to rediscover my creative-self...not that it is AWOL...or broken...or marred in anyway shape or form...just (as a my last poem before going into my self-imposed exile puts it) out of more ways than one.  so i'm working on finding a happy place...thus laughs and dreams...