My newest adventure is underway. It has lead me to take up residency in a new blog,
Like the Feathers of an Arrow (affectionately known as LFA).

...don't open...don't throw away... is not disappearing completely (not yet),
but postings here will be limited.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

1 hiding? why?

quite some time ago, i wrote six words as part of a poem.  i have revisited them within this blog on at least four other occasions. they are deeply embedded into every key i press...every word i write...every single hesitation i take when hitting the 'publish post' button.  

"social anxiety follows me into cyberspace."

so, while i'm usually relatively good at coping with said anxiety, balancing it in both my 'real' world and my 'cyber' world has become quite a challenge.  it seems odd to me that this fear...this paranoia...this anxiety could find its way into a world where one can exist with such anonymity...where one can reinvent themselves...where one can let down their walls.  

but this fear is not built around anonymity.  it centers on judgement...on the thoughts and views of others...on the mere idea of exposing oneself to being evaluated negatively in a social arena.  and here i am exposed far more than i am in my 'real' world.

i hold my breath every time i hit the button to post.  i cringe every time i read over my own words and know that there is someone out there reading them as well.  i close my eyes to the deafening silence to hold back the tears that long to rush forth.  

i needed a reprieve.  i needed to wash myself of the constant buzzing in my ear that drew me time and time again back to the torture.  i needed to breathe.  going into hiding...condemning myself to a self-imposed exile...getting in touch with my far too neglected and practically nonexistent happy side...was the only way i could think to calm the paranoid rhetoric running rampant through my head.  

my nerves have settled a bit...my mind has tuned the station to a more relaxing sound...

so am i back?  i'm not sure...i'm taking it slow and still finding some me time in my little hideaway.