4 Another Step Closer

Another Step Closer.egg on Aviary.

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Another Step Closer

I stand here on the corner
gazing into the window
and I have to remind myself to breathe.
This is not one of my usual haunts;
It’s atmosphere is meant for social types,
and well that’s not really me.
I know I can do this;
It’s just the open sign gives me pause;
Its bright red glow is like a stop light
I so itch for it to turn amber
then green
but it won’t
would it really matter if it did?
I sit down on the curb
shaking my head at myself
this is stupid
so stupid
I’m like a child
I need someone to hold my hand as I cross the street
kicking and screaming like it were a trip to the dentist
the thing is
I want to go
I want to enter those doors and feel the warmth
of home
the comfort of an old shoe
the embrace of a good friend
I’m not expecting everyone to stop
look up
and yell “Norm” in greeting
one ‘cause I’m not a Norm and
two because I’m not one for making an entrance
or being the center of attention
I’m more a hide in the corner
type of gal
but that’s part of the problem isn’t it
I need to hire myself a conscience
well maybe not Jiminy Cricket exactly,
but his cousin
motivation
imagine
my own personal little life coach sitting on my shoulder
whispering words of encouragement
“You can do it.”
“That’s right, just one more step and you’re there.”
“Everything is okay, just just breathe. That’s it, just breathe.”
“Go ahead, no one’s going to laugh at you. I promise.”
“See you knew exactly what you were talking about the whole time.”
“Perfect. You’re absolutely perfect.”
Oh, and my favorite catch phrase of all;
“It’s all good.”
But there is no such thing
no such comfort as a mini life coach to hold my hand
this is stupid
so stupid
it’s not like I don’t know the people inside
I have felt the warm of their acceptance
the comfort of their open arms
Their smiles and praise are not foreign to me
I stand back up and take a step closer
This is crazy
What am I waiting for
A personal invitation
normal people do not act like this
a cloud of fear and rejection
of being judged and found wanting
does not follow people around
that is except for me
by now you’d think I’d give up
move on
except my inadequacies and become a hermit
unfortunately giving in is not an option
I take a step forward
maybe I’ll make it there before last call
that would be good
this way I can excuse everyone’s leaving as a result of closing time
as opposed to me
this is stupid
so stupid
I can do this… I can do this… I can do this
The words echoes in my head with every step
‘til I’m just outside the door
‘til I can see my own reflection in the glass
I can do this
I take a moment
adjust my mask
cover up all signs of fear and paranoia
tuck away the last signs of budding tears and nerves
and then
I remind myself to breathe
as I step across the threshold

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i don't know about this one. so many thoughts and ideas were going through my head...i'm not sure i hit everything or that it came out just right.  i suppose it is okay for now...'cause i really don't want to miss last call over at dVerse ~ Poets Pub, after all today is the opening night celebration with lots of extraordinary talent...if i'm lucky i'll find a nice cozy corner to read in.

0 I can't breathe

I am a shambles;
my outside composure on the brink of destruction.
I can't breathe
as the tears threaten to expose me.
I need to escape,
but it is impossible to outrun myself.
I long for peace
as my thoughts wreak havoc on my internal balance.
I am hopeless,
for how can I hope when it's me I have to rely on.
I...

0 Intoxicating Thoughts

if you are quiet enough;
if you listen hard enough;
if you open your mind enough;
you might just hear them.
their whispers are intoxicating;
speaking in tongues
that understand the taste of words;
that understand the feel of words;
that embody the essence of words.

they know nothing of boundaries;
they care not if you are listening;
they exist without fear or hope;
and yet they push the boundaries
intent on grabbing your attention
provoking fear and hope within you.
if you open your mind enough;
if you listen hard enough;
if you are quite enough;
you might just recognize your own thoughts.

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sometimes i don't ask my muse where she is taking me; i simply follow along blinding hoping things will make sense in the end. the verdict is currently out on this one.