0 Imaginary

I can't even begin to tell you how many different loves I've had.  There have been so many times when I've managed to find myself in the arms of someone who somehow wants me.  I do, however, tend to follow a very similar pattern with all of these loves.  I push them away, hold them at arms length or sometimes further.  And they act one of two ways.  They either give me my space or they pull harder.  And everytime I find my way back.  I allow myself to accept what they are offering.  I let myself believe that I am worth being with.  It is usually about that time that I let them fade away.  My journey with them comes to an end and I move on to the next one.  I have had many loves.  It just so happens that none of them were real.

0 i wish for someone

i wish for...
someone who can see me...
someone who can help me see me...
is that too much to ask?
how long do I have to wait?
is that someone even out there?

i wish for...
someone who will hold me...
someone whose embrace can ease the pain...
am i asking for a fantasy?
can i hope to find him soon?
does he even exist?

i wish for...
someone who will open himself up to me...
someone who can help me to open up...
is that more than i should want?
might he be in my near future?
is that someone real?

i wish for someone...
who will help me feel whole...
someone who will help me feel.

0 string of profanity

The silence was defining.  She tried to ignore the fact that everyone stopped talking to listen to her speak.  It didn't make sense really.  No one else had managed to cause such undivided attention and it wasn't as if you had raised her voice and commanded it.  She said her peace with a stutter her or there.  Then everyone went back to what they were doing. 

Things continued like she had never opened up her mouth, just as it should have.  Unfortunately it was not that easy for her.  The anxiety and discomfort attacked like a tidal wave.  The desire to up and run were overwhelming.  Somehow she managed to keep the desire to evacuate at bay.  But the fear that her discomfort was plain as the freckles on her cheeks tugged at her.

As everyone finally began to disperse and she found herself able to escape, the fear and anxiety remained well intact.  A string of profanity directed at herself spewed from her lips as she sat behind the wheel of her car.  It had been sometime since she had felt this intensity and the need to push it out of herself through cursing.  She was lucky in that though the words always erupted with little control to stop them, they always bided their time until she was away from others.

She feared the day that she would not have that control.