My newest adventure is underway. It has lead me to take up residency in a new blog,
Like the Feathers of an Arrow (affectionately known as LFA).

...don't open...don't throw away... is not disappearing completely (not yet),
but postings here will be limited.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

0 social-less soul

Many Masks of Me
(image by rmp, that's me)
i lack social graces...or maybe i should say 'a social nature'.  as part of a workshop i took several test meant to evaluate what type of person you are...personality, multiple intelligences, brain dominance...what did i discover?  i'm an introvert (wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out), i'm self-smart and not people smart, and my right brain has staged a rebellion recently and now holds supreme.

where was i...yes, i lack social graces.  i attended a party last night and wanted to go home long before i got there.  aside from hellos and goodbyes, i may have spoken to three adults.  for the most part i kept to the rooms void of adults and the potential need for carrying on a conversation.

did i mention i lack social graces?  okay so truth be told, it is more than lacking social graces.  i have fears and other issues that impede my social self.  which is funny really when most people who know me would say i am quite social.  and they're not wrong, for when cornered like a trapped animal i through out my faux personality like my bearded dragons puff out their darkened beards to make themselves look bigger and scare off predators.

so where am i going with this anyway?  well, i have now been a member of twitter for almost two months.  and in case you are unaware, twitter is a social type network.  that of course was not why i joined.  far from it in fact.  i was looking for a quick (and shorter) medium to explore my newest blogs newest category, pom seeds.  it took me all of seven days to utilize it to construct short (tweetable) poems.  four days ago i expanded even further to include some ramblings (yet another blog category).

in the between time, i've picked up five followers!  (yes, that is an exclamation point, because i still find it odd that people would actually choose to follow the odd ramblings and thoughts that find there way out of my head and into cyberspace.  one would think having blog followers would have desensitized me by now, but alas it has not. and on a side note, while i may find it unfathomable, i do greatly appreciate your visits and words of encouragement.)  where was i...ah, yes...i have followers!  still my anxiety at hitting that little follow button has control of my clicking finger.  so i use subterfuge (not sure that's the right word, but i like the sound of it) to follow them; i created a list and added them to the list, plus a few others i've come across who use twitter to express their poetic nature.

where am i going with all this?  i feel like i had a point at the start, but have lost it along the way.  hmmm...i suppose the whole point was i was thinking about being social via twitter, which is a foreign concept on two levels.  one i'm new to the whole twitter thing; two i'm not very apt at the social thing.  my other problem is that (did i mention i have issues) i have a very strong focus on the manner in which i want (or should say need...really sucks having issues) to use my twitter account.  so i thought maybe for the sake of being social i'd get myself a second account that would not clutter up my pom seeds, tweetoetry and ramblings with social conversations.  (does saying clutter sound like a bad thing?  it is not intended to, not at all.)  this definitely sounds like a viable solution.  but did i mention, i lack a social soul?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

3 so...so...tired...

i'm tired...

not physically (though i am that as well), but emotionally...

i can't handle this obsession that is starting to set in...these hopes and this anticipation that is met more often than not with disappointment.  i wrote for my own pleasure...only caring about self-validation...now there is this whole new world out there that once again throws me into a world of judgment...

part of me wants to just make this blog disappear into the ether...so it is no more...  to once again pickup paper and pencil where the only eyes i need worry about are my own...

it is so hard to ignore the irrational part of my brain...yet still i do.  i still wonder what i'd be like if the left hemisphere of my brain were not so balanced with the right.  i've talked before about my warring hemispheres (i like that, 'warring hemispheres'...i think there might be a poem in there) and my theory that my left-brain grew as a defense mechanism.  but still...this battle is tiring...

and as much as i want to give in...let go...crawl away and disappear myself in the ether...i will continue...

maybe one day i'll find peace...