0 Unspoken

I am not worth it
I don't deserve it
that is what I heard
that is not what he said
but that is what I heard
the words still resound in my ears
they chip away at my already weak core
I'm not worth it
I don't deserve it
that is what I believe
that is not what he said
but that is what I heard
the words he spoke were not about me
they exude love for someone dear
their truth I agree with and understand
and yet my ill mind has turned them around
twisted them and pointed them at me
I'm not worth it
I don't deserve it
that is what I heard
that is not what he said
but I hear his words directed at someone else
and I can't help but wonder
why he's never said them to me
am I not worthy of them
do I not deserve the same
I hear what is not spoken
I hear what is buried deep down within
I hear the fear that consumes me
the fear that wonders if his words
not spoken for me
are a testament to the fact
that he
like me
believes
I am not worth it
I do not deserve it

0 books...

She stood staring at the shelves line with books.  Her eyes scanned the titles, took in the look of the spin or the cover if the book was turn out and felt her tension begin to dissipate.  Here inside this giant room, surounded by books, she found a peace that eluded her elsewhere.  She itched reach out and touch the books, run her hand over them, and feel the last of her anxiety vanish.  Books had an unusual affect on her.  She couldn't explain what exactly it was, but she accepted it without question even though being here with people milling around everywhere only helped to feed into her angst.  It was an odd battle these two entities envoked within her.  The need to run and escape the world was intense, but the pull of the books and the calming feeling they brought to her was a need she had to obey.

4 With Every Word... In Every Action...

I fear ridicule
like an arachnophobe fears the eight legged spider
deep in the vast space of my mind
I feel them staring at me
I see them waiting for me to mess up
I hear them laughing at me
deep inside the recesses of my soul
the idea of being mocked
criticized
looked upon as though I have three heads
feasts on me
with every word I speak
in every action I take

Every day I fight
like an underdog battles for dominance
deep in my mind I have my own cheer squad
they whisper to me every time I open my mouth
"Hiss, Boo, Bah"
their cheer sounds in my head with every move I make
"Hiss, Boo, Bah"
deep in my soul their chant echoes
the paranoia of being teased
taunted
followed by eyes I image are watching me
eats away at me
with every word I speak

in every action I take

I hope to be released
like an innocent prisoner absolved of his crime
deep within I rage against my mind to no avail
my eyes focus on the bottle
one pill might provide me relief
all pills guarantee the relief I seek
deep down in my soul I battle for control
the fear of letting go of control
admitting defeat
laying down my arms to something outside myself
tears at me

with every word I speak

in every action I take

I fear ridicule
it feasts on me
eats away at me
tears at me
Every day I fight
with every word I speak

in every action I take

I hope to be released

from the ideas that fester

the paranoia that consumes

the fear that binds

one pill

all pills

"Hiss, Boo, Bah"

the bottle holds no absolution for me

deep within me lies the answer

---

Inspiration for this post came in part from Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>absolve(d), hiss, ridicule] and in part from my recent exploration of phobias.