0 Phobias...

i decided it was time to look up the specific name of my unusual phobia...

telephonophobia -- this is not the fear of the telephone, but rather the fear of making and/or answering the phone...

while looking at the gigantic list of phobias, i came across a couple of others that i have...

Anthropophobia (fear of people or society:  mild, but growing stronger every day); Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces:  mild, but heightened when other people are in the small space with me); Decidophobia (fear of making decisions:  mild only when other people are effected by my decision);  Doxophobia (fear of expressing opinions or receiving praise:  mild on expressing; strong on receiving); Glossophobia (fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak:  strong when i am not familiar with the people; strong with larger crowds regardless of familiarity; mild with small groups; mild to none existent with children and teens); Iatrophobia (fear of doctors:  strong, but mainly because i am a hypochondriac who would rather not discover if those ailments are real); Monopathophobia (fear of definite sickness; mild, as long as i don't think about dispelling my hypochondria); Social Phobia (fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations:  impairing and growing stronger everyday)

those were the ones on the list that really stood out to me.  there were definitely some interesting ones.  can you believe there is actually a fear of phobias (phobophobia)...

it wasn't necessarily a complete list...so i can only ponder what others i might have...

0 i wish i could just disappear...

i can feel it...i'm on a downward spiral...spinning faster and faster with every turn...i have no grasp...nothing to hold on to...my breath is being pulled out of me through this whirlwind...

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my thoughts have traveled lately to the idea of disappearing...just up and leaving...going off somewhere where i can breathe, wrap my mind around things, and recreate myself...

i think about disappearing and not being found...

how do i leave no trace...how do i assure the things that need to be taken care of here are...how do i just vanish...

i think about disappearing and i wonder could i really do it...

how can i just let go of who i am...how can i walk away from those i love...how do i just leave them with questions...

i think about disappearing and the idea feels so good...

but how can i be sure that i'm not running from who i am, but rather discovering who i truly am...how do i make sure who i am doesn't follow me, doesn't latch on to me with its sharp claws and keep me from blossoming...

i think about disappearing and i know i'm not strong enough...not strong enough to change who i am...not strong enough to explore the possibility of who i could be...not strong enough to let go of the self that has become a type of security blanket...

i think about disappearing...