My newest adventure is underway. It has lead me to take up residency in a new blog,
Like the Feathers of an Arrow (affectionately known as LFA).

...don't open...don't throw away... is not disappearing completely (not yet),
but postings here will be limited.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

0 mismatch

Words cannot begin to express all that goes on within my head
a mixed up jumble of thoughts and ideas drive me crazy
my outsides do not match my insides causing much pain in total chaos
and there is absolutley nothing I can do about it

Thursday, February 18, 2010

0 The Eyes

The constant pressure follows me
like a tail I cannot shake
no matter the skilled maneuvers

They continue to boar into me
from every angle
like a stalker I cannot escape
no matter the precautions taken

The eyes are always with me
creating an anxiety within that builds
no matter that they are not really watching

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

0 ailment

It has been following me around all day.  Profanity spews from my lips.  This new method of expelling my excess anxiety has been with me for about a year now.  I do have some semblance of control over it.  I am always alone when the words leave my mouth.  Though twice today I muttered it under my breath with another present.  Odd, I am not really someone who curses.  When I was younger, my friends use to know that I was really upset, annoyed, or bothered by something if I were to curse.  That really hasn't changed much.  If anything, the older I get the less I curse.  Save for this new ailment. 

I don't know that the curses help any.  But the tension with in me just seems to push to the surface and for some reason cursing at myself has been the outcome.  It has actually been a while since I last had an attack like this.  I am frustrated and annoyed and mad.  Mostly at myself for allowing this to win.  I know that it is my choice to allow things to go on as they are.  I make excuses for myself.  I know I have to make changes; I just don't seem to possess the...well, I'm not really sure what it is I don't possess.  Maybe if I knew I wouldn't still be so messed up.