0 Hold on...(lyrics...song #2)

The time has finally come
there's no denying
for it's so plain to see
I can hear it in your voice
see it in your eyes
feel it in with every touch

And alls I want to do
is hold on
just a little bit longer

So please won't you
Love me
like there's no tomorrow
Hold me
like you'll never let me go

0 encounter #52...session 1...completed

She finished up the transcript of the newest test subject.  He had researched her.  The thought popped back into her head like an itch she couldn't scratch.  Why the idea of this so intrigued her, she could not say.  She thought back over the session.  It had been so outside the norm.  Yes, it was true that others had procrastinated when it came to the first touch, but most of them had decided to fill the time rambling on about themselves.  They felt the need to explain why they were participating in the study.  A rare few had spent the time hitting on her.  They weren't interested in getting to know her, not as James had seemed to be.

Maybe it was simply the fact that it had been so long since someone seemed genuinely interested in getting to know her.  Most people either looked at her as some kind of freak or were intent on using her.  It was something she had become use to and accepted.  She did have genuine friends.  But most of them she had grown up with.  She had known them long before she had allowed her 'gift' to push her into her own social exile. 

A soft knock on the door stole her away from her thoughts, which she silently gave thanks for.  "Yes," she called out.  The door opened just enough for Marc, today's hyper assistant, to stick his arm in and hand her a note.  "Thanks," she said as Marc smiled and shut the door behind him.  It seems that he had mellowed a bit since this morning.  Unfolding the note, she saw that James had made another appointment.  A small tingle of excitement tugged at her.  She shook it away, but couldn't stop the smile that was beginning to form on her lips.  After a few seconds she cursed herself for being so foolish.  She knew better by now than to allow someone to get under her skin.  He's just another test subject, nothing more!  She told herself as she started gathering her belongs to head home for a nice relaxing evening with a good book.  She tried fruitlessly not to think about the next time she'd see James again.  She growled at herself in frustration.  This is going to be a long four days!

0 quitting....

i felt the resolve in me twice now, in regards to two different matters.  but still it was strong and certain and i felt a distinct belief that it real.  there was no wishy-washiness to it.  this was how it was, would be and should be. 

one morning after getting ready, i found myself sitting at the top of the stairs as i often do and the decision came to me.  'i have to quit.'  there was a certain finality to it.  like since i made the decision that was how i would be.  it felt good.  and for those few minutes as i sat there letting it sink in, i felt good.  unfortunately i'm a wuss and by the time i made my way down the stairs i knew it would not be.  no matter that it is what my heart wanted.  when have i ever allowed my heart to win out?

that was the first feeling of absolute certainty and acceptance to the way things needed to be.  i wish i could explain how that decision took me, however brief it may have lasted.  i wish i could explain why it was not as it should have been, why i waiver.

as for the second time i was struck by the same intense feeling of acceptance and resolve...well that is for another day...