i felt the resolve in me twice now, in regards to two different matters. but still it was strong and certain and i felt a distinct belief that it real. there was no wishy-washiness to it. this was how it was, would be and should be.
one morning after getting ready, i found myself sitting at the top of the stairs as i often do and the decision came to me. 'i have to quit.' there was a certain finality to it. like since i made the decision that was how i would be. it felt good. and for those few minutes as i sat there letting it sink in, i felt good. unfortunately i'm a wuss and by the time i made my way down the stairs i knew it would not be. no matter that it is what my heart wanted. when have i ever allowed my heart to win out?
that was the first feeling of absolute certainty and acceptance to the way things needed to be. i wish i could explain how that decision took me, however brief it may have lasted. i wish i could explain why it was not as it should have been, why i waiver.
as for the second time i was struck by the same intense feeling of acceptance and resolve...well that is for another day...