She could feel her resolve slipping. It was getting harder to contain the emotions that seemed to be bubbling up from nowhere. They didn't notice. Or if they did they ignore it. Maybe they perceived it to be just laziness on her part. She gritted her teeth and leaned her head against the cold metal surface. She willed the feelings to subside, to hold off a bit longer. All she needed to do was make it through the next hour or so before she could allow it to consume her.
Taking in a deep breath she forced the feeling down as she pushed away from the case and continued to work. There were times when she could pinpoint the thing that caused these feelings to surface. Unfortunately, the past three years or maybe it was four by now, she had been bombarded by emotions that she could usually control. As she shifted her attention to the other case and began the wrap-up process, another wave hit her. Once again she closed her eyes and willed the feelings to temperarily subside. There was a part of her that wanted to tell them she wasn't feeling well, that she need to leave. But she knew that she would then have to explain, something she wish very much not to do. Plus if she was sure she could contain the tears that were trying desperately to escape. So she just continued on with her inner turmoil, the war she knew she would never win.
|My newest adventure is underway. It has lead me to take up residency in a new blog,|
Like the Feathers of an Arrow (affectionately known as LFA).
...don't open...don't throw away... is not disappearing completely (not yet),
but postings here will be limited.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
my heart aches constantly. my mind races non-stop. tears crest too often. none of this is new. i use to handle it better. it is getting harder. i am isolating myself, even from myself. how i manage to move beyond these walls is beyond me. how i manage to continue my routine is a mystery. i wish i possessed the ability to silence it all. the power to make my heart stop aching. the power to settle my racing mind. i should be out there enjoying myself and my life. i deserve that. why i fight it so, i canno fathom.