0 Torn Asunder

Who am I?  I can't help but wonder
if there is more to me than I might see;
should I tare myself asunder
would I be able to set my hidden self free?

if there is more to me, than I might see
the point and the purpose of my existence;
would I be able to set my hidden self free
escaping the internal turmoil and resistance?

The point and the purpose of my existence
is this crazy mystery for me to solve;
escaping the internal turmoil and resistance,
is that how my life should revolve?

Is this crazy mystery for me to solve?
should I tare myself asunder?
is that how my life should revolve?
Who am I?  I can't help but wonder.

0 nose to nose

She drew in a deep breath.  The internal battle that ensued from such a simple question was crazy.  While her mind battled with the anxiety and fears, she thought about the idea of letting go of it all and maybe for one tiny moment in time she could feel normal.  She longed to say yes, but just the idea caused her chest to tighten.  James seemed to read the impending no on her face.  As she opened her mouth to speak, he leaned forward again, looking as though he were trying to come up with some other argument for why she should join them. 

What ever they were going to say was cut off by the arrival of the waitress.  "So," the waitress looked from her to James, "can I get you something to drink while the you look at the menu?" 

For a moment, she was caught off guard by the smile that pierced James's face that she almost missed his reply.  "Actually, we were just about to join my friends over there.  If you could add the tab to that table's bill, that would be perfect."  

Before she could say a word the waitress nodded and disappeared from the table.  She watched the waitress's retreating form in a bit of a daze.  Her attention was drawn back to the table as James stood, picked up her drink and nodded for her to follow him.  She stood to follow him before her brain caught up with her.  "Wait."

He turned back to her; his lips pursed to one side.  "Look, you are already out.  It would a shame to waste a perfectly good evening.  You have to eat.  Do you really want for me to rattle on and on with reasons why you should join us?  Because I will.  I can be very tenacious."

She smiled at him.  She couldn't help it.  He had a way of making her forget herself.  The battle going on inside of her seemed to settle.  "Is that a nice way of telling me your stubborn?"  

"Maybe."  He gestured toward the table.  "Ready?"

"What do you do?"

He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face.  "Hun?"

"I believe you mentioned our cover story was that you met me at work.  It might help to know where you work in order to keep up appearances."

He turned back toward her.  "Good point.  I own a bowling alley book store."

Now it was her turn to look puzzled.  A bowling alley book store was definitely an odd combination. "Seriously?"

He shook his head.  "No.  While it has always been a dream of mine, I'm not really sure the world is ready for the unique combo.  So I settled for half.  I own Thrice Told Tales, a small book store."

"Twice Told Tales?  Why does that sound so familiar?"

"It's possible you've driven by it before, but I'd guess that you've probably heard the radio show."  He looked a bit sheepish as he mentioned the radio show, as though he were embarrassed about it.

She began to shake her head, when she realized what he was talking about.  "Your Just James."  He sighed at the statement and gave a slight nod.  "Wow."

"Wow good?  Wow bad?"  

If he only knew the number of times she had fallen asleep to the sound of his voice and the way it entered her dreams.  She prayed the warmth she felt in her cheeks did not give away the direction of her thoughts. "Wow good."  She did not want to elaborate any further.

He nodded, "well then, we ready now?"

She glanced over to the table where is friends sat and let out a deep breath.  "Not really, but."  She shrugged off the rest of her thought not really sure where it would take her.  

She turned to start walking toward the table, when he spoke, "wait."  She stopped and turned not realizing how close behind her he was.  The stood face to face.  He was so close she could feel the warmth of his breath, smell the scent of him.  For a moment they seemed to just stand there frozen.  The world seemed to evaporate around them and she could help but think what it would be like if he just leaned in a bit more. The thought woke her from her trance.  She knew exactly what would happen and she stepped back adding a good bit of space between them.  She didn't say anything, just waited for him to speak.  

James shook his head slightly as though he too had been caught in a similar trance.  "What does the J in J.C. stand for?"

She smiled and shook her head.  "It stands for Jaycie.  J-A-Y-C-I-E.  Somewhere along the way I got tired of correcting people and my name turned into initials.  I have been toying with the idea of legally adding a middle name that begins with a C, but I have been having trouble deciding on one.  So, we ready now?"

With the sexiest little grin, he nodded and walked with her toward the people infested table.

0 Jiminy Cricket

i've been thinking about hiring a conscious--someone to motivate me and keep me going--someone who will force me to do all the things i lack the desire to do:  dishes, dusting, exercise, not nap, laundry, socialize, take vitamins, go to the doctor, get my eyes checked, quit my job, find a new job, convince me that medication might be a good solution, laugh, cry, clean my bathrooms, wash my car, eat healthy, eat, vacuum, finish reading the five or so books i've started, smile...

maybe what i really want is someone who will do all those things for me.  technically not everything on the list is something i can expect someone else to do, but quite a bit could be done by someone else.  either way i'd need to feel motivated enough to hire someone:  housekeeper, butler, life-coach.  and i wouldn't need any of those things if i didn't lack motivation.