0 words escape me...

I give up.  It is not in me at the moment.  I wish I could find it.  I wish I could dig up the words buried deep within.  Unfortunately, I cannot.  I am at a lose, which is nothing new really.  Maybe if I am lucky it will hit me when I least expected it.  I can only hope. 

0 if only i could...

Twice now I've started the week with an overwhelming desire to quit.  I sat at the top of the stairs with the anxiety twisting inside me and all I could do was wish for an end.  Unfortunately there does not seem to be an end in sight.  For as I sat there completely resolved to the fact, I should have known better.  By the time I made it to the bottom of the steps I knew I wouldn't quit.  I'm chicken.  That's the truth.  Also scared of the unknown.  Not to mention that I fear if I were to make such a life altering decision people would assume the wrong reason behind my decision.  So I'm left to continue on this path no matter how unhappy I may be with it.

0 encounter #52

[She sat quietly in the chair look down at her hands and does not notice when he enters.  He watches her for a moment from the doorway without saying a word.  He steps in and clears his throat.  She looks up and a thin forced smile appears on her lips.]

Her:  Hello
Him:  Hi

[He walks over and sits down next to her.]

Him:  I'm James
Her:  Hi James.  How are you today?
Him:  Good.  And you?
Her:  A little tired.  It has been a long day for me.
Him:  I guess I'm not your first today?
Her:  Actually, you are.  I've just had a lot of stuff to deal with this morning.

[He nods.]

Him:  So how exactly does this work?
Her:  Pretty simple really.  We just touch hands. 
Him:  And then.
Her:  No one explained you this all to you?
Him:  Well there was some jumpy kid all hopped up on what I hope was caffeine or sugar.  He talked a mile a minute and I could barely keep up with him.  Before I could ask any questions, he pointed to the door and walked away.
Her:  I'm sorry.  The regular greeter is out today.  As for the jumpy kid, I'm sure he's hopped on both. 

[He smiled and gave a bit of a laugh.]

Her:  As far as I understand it, my experience is a bit different than others.  I guess it just comes with the territory.  For you it is pretty simple; it is kind of like watching a movie on fast forward and every once in a while things play at normal speed.  You don't really feel anything, outside of normal emotions you might have while watching a movie and then that is only when things occur at normal speed.
Him:  It's different for you?  Do you mind if I ask how?
Her:  I don't mind. 

[She looked down at her hands, flexed her fingers, then turned her attention back to him.]

Her:  I feel everything.  Every emotion.  Every touch.  Every thought.  It matters not whether I'm in fast forward or regular motion.  I experience it all as though I were right there in that moment and in that time.
Him:  Seriously?!?
Her:  Yes.
Him:  That has to suck!
Her:  Yes, more than you know.
Him:  So why do you do this?
Her:  I have been wondering that myself lately.

[Silence drags on for a good minute.]

Her:  So are you ready?

[He looks at her, studying her closely and hesitates.  She stays silent.]

Him:  I guess.  If you are.