0 release

i've imagined the knife piercing my chest more times than i can say

not is some unfulfilled wish to leave this world behind 

though i'd be lying if i didn't say the wish has crossed my mind

the thought is more symbolic of what i so long for

release

somehow i picture that knife and the chasm it forms as a release

it allows all of the pain that constantly plagues me to escape

like steam from a sewer grate or a geyser erupting its pent up rage

and for a small tiny moment just that simple image i conjure has the desired effect

the pressure lightens within me—if ever so brief—and i feel that which i crave

release

0 Letting Go

I desperately want to hide
hide away somewhere secure and safe
safe from the torture of being unable to do something
something they should be doing but lack action

I don't want to me near the craziness
craziness that is perpetuated over and over
over time you'd think it would balance
balance so the craziness didn't cause such detriment

I know I'm taking the cowards way out
out of the bureaucracy that ties my hands
hands that long to get dirty and yet are useless
useless and unable to make a big wave

So I rather hide away from it all and ignore
ignore what I cannot change and yet needs to
to bury myself back in the trenches
trenches where I can make small waves of change

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thought i'd try something new...loop poetry.  it worked well enough for expressing my current state of frustration and hopelessness.

1 Broken Promise

She stood abruptly, tucked her clutch under her arm, turned away from the table and walked off.  He watched her retreating form, marveling at the way her hips swayed even as stormed off.  She hadn't slapped him.  That had to be a good sign.  But she hadn't said anything either.  Not one single word escaped her lips as he bared his heart to her.  She had sat surprising still and silent.  Though he could see her jaw was clenched and her breathing had slowed.  Both where signs that she was doing her best to hold back the tears.

His gazed turned back to her half eaten plate.  Was it wrong to have hoped she would have been delighted by his news?  Was he fooling himself?  There was no doubt he was taking a chance in telling her.  He was, after all, breaking his promise to her.  She had been so clear about her feelings and expectations up front.  And given such an amazing proposition, how could he not have agreed.  He was a man after all.  He should have been happy with what he had, with what she was willing to give.  But no, he wanted more.  Was that really a crime?

He definitely was not going to give up this easily.  Somewhere deep down inside her he knew she too felt as he did.  Somehow he had to show her it was okay to accept those feelings.  He needed to show her it was okay to accept his feelings.  It didn't matter how many times she walked away from him, how many times she slammed the door in his face, nor how many times she deleted his emails and hung up on him.  Whether she wanted to hear it or not, he was going to tell her over and over again how much he loved her.

As he shook his head at his stupidity, sigh escaped him.  He should never have agreed to the type of relationship she wanted.  And he definitely should not have promised not to fall in love with her.

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Inspiration for this post came from Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>clutch, delight(ed), happy].  I feel like its missing something...like something is off or lacking...I don't know, maybe it's just my current mood...