0 back...but not running at 100%

i have not quite been myself since returning from my self-imposed exile from my online self.  i most definitely have abandoned the blog rules is set for ...don't open...don't throw away...  as a means to keep myself in check.  they were meant to be a form of motivation and i think in the beginning they worked well.  even at the one year mark, they were holding strong.  but they don't seem to provide the same push as they once did. 

maybe it's not them...in fact, it is probably not them, but me.  i thought maybe to blame summer and the lack of routine that it brings about, but that would be a farce.  (i really just wanted to use the word farce...i mean when am i ever really going to use the word farce.  it is an interesting word...not one i hear that often.)  i could use writer's block as an excuse, but really i don't feel blocked...just uninspired and uncaring.

i'm scared to abandon my rules completely.  outside of the month of June, i've managed to maintain a descent number of posts even if i break the 'rules' in the process.  it's just if i completely forgo the 'rules' i fear ...don't open...don't throw away... will soon see its final days.

my purpose for starting this blog has not changed.  my need to keep this part of myself alive is essential.  i just wish i could figure out a way to do that while removing the pressure and anxiety that has erupted when i truly opened myself up to the blogging world just under a year ago.  maybe i should have kept ...don't open...don't throw away... under the radar.  but there is definitely something to be said for knowing that there are people out there who for some crazy reason think you have something worth reading. 

i don't know.  i guess only time will tell.  for now, i will forgive my disregard of the 'rules'.  and revisit things when September rolls around and summer comes to an end. 

6 Flawed Love

Flawed Love.egg on Aviary.

---

Flawed Love

I thought you could love me for who I am
and so I hid her from your sight.

if I could explain the logic to this,
I'd draw you a beautiful diagram
outlining my perfectly flawed thoughts
for I know they're flawed
and
       irrational
and
       me
these perfectly flawed thoughts are who I am;
and so even if I could explain
I wouldn't
for I've hidden her from you.

(wow talk about some crazy logic)

but it doesn't really matter
you see
the problem is I didn't take into account
I would want
                     you to love me
                                             for who I am
and now I'm lost
uncertain how to unearth her
uncertain
              whether you can still love me for who I am
uncertain
              of me and whether I'm still worth loving

is it wrong that I hope you'll hear this plea
and tell me you knew me all along
is it wrong that I hope I'm a horrible liar
and you'll tell me you have loved me all along
that you were just waiting for me
to be okay
                  with me

I thought you could love me for who I am
and so I hid her from your sight
not realizing it wasn't so much about you
as it was about the fact that
I thought I
                 could never love me
                                                 for who I am

I'm still working on that,
loving me for who I am.
I'm just hoping that
maybe we could work on it
                                           together.

---

i am currently working on desensitizing myself to my own voice...and some how i thought dVerse ~ Poets Pub might be the best outlet with their OpenLinkNight.  today marks week two.  they opened their doors last week and i entered with a bit of trepidation...but the atmosphere is quite welcoming and fun...with a lot of amazing poets stepping up to the stage.  if you get a chance stop in and take in some wonderful poetry.

2 The Right Fit

I watch as he slips his feet in
his gaze trained on the ground as he shuffles forward
giggling laughter bubbles through the air
while he claims he's the rightful owner
of the over sized pair of shoes

what else can i do but smile back at him
and wonder
how many different pairs will he try on
over the course of his lifetime?

the tattler; the soccer player
the brown-noser; the teaser
the teased; the jock
the nerd; the best friend
the liar; the heart breaker
the heart broken; the trusted
the backstabber; the joker
the player; the lover

how many will he try on because they look cool in the display?
how many will he put back in the box and never look at again?
how many will he come back to wavering on if they're him?
how many will he buy and return when the blisters appear?
how many will he purchase for special occasions only?
how many will he regret and what will he do with that knowledge?
how many will he wear down to the sole?

I look into his smiling eyes and can't help but smile back.

With so many pairs to try on
for size
for fit
for style
for comfort
for purpose
for need
I can't help but wonder
how each pair will define who he will become.