0 background...

I have spent the past several weeks doing a bit of digging.  After hearing Alice's story, I couldn't help myself.  I managed to get the name of two former girlfriends who had also gotten the shaft.  And from them I found some others.  When all was said and done, I had managed to speak with seven of his former relationships, plus Alice.  Strangely, not all of them had heard about 'The Test' before I mentioned it.  One thing is for certain, his type is not easy to discern from all of the lovely women I had an opportunity to speak with.

To help me focus my thoughts a bit more, I'm going to transcribe my notes and bits of my conversations here on my blog.  Once everything is compiled, I believe I'll have enough background to actually meet this intriguing individual.  All I'll have to decide at that point is whether I try to get him to agree to an interview or if I ambush him. 

0 outsider

imagine going through life feeling like an outsider.  imagine being surround by people you know, family and friends, and feeling like you don't belong.  i can't imagine it is an easy thing to imagine.  but it is my life.  constantly surrounded by those i love, those who love me and i feel like i am a separate entity, as though i have nothing to add or offer that they could possible want.  it is a sad life.  it is lonely life. 

i don't feel invisible, though at times i wish i were.  i feel like i'm in a glass box, separate yet apart.  i wish i knew how to break out of the box.  i know it is one of my own creation.  it would be nice to feel as though i were a part of something, as though i belonged.  in my head, somewhere deep down, i know that i do belong.  i just don't feel as though i do.

0 thoughts

I have lots of thoughts that run around in my head.  Some completely random and a bit insane.  I try not to let them fester too long.  To help I invent small worlds that help me to escape.  I run these stories through my head when I have down time...when real thinking is not a necessity...when time sets in for my irrational thoughts to take flight.  These stories help to keep me grounded and yet feed off of those issues I bury deep.

0 not sure

to think I thought I had nothing to say
to think I thought I had no opinion
to think I thought I had little to share

the truth is I have a lot say
the truth is I have much to declare
the truth is I have loads to share

I am just not sure there is anything worth hearing
I am just not sure there is anyone who cares to listen
I am just not sure

0 time to let go...

i need to suck it up and let go.  i have held on to this security blanket for to long.  doing so has and is a detriment to my health and well being.  i need to stop hiding behind it.  i need to stop using it as an excuse to face what truly is wrong with me.  letting go is not easy.  it will take much effort, time and determination.  and to keep my will strong once i have finally achieved my goal so that i do not relapse back and cover myself once again in its warmth and comfort seems impossible.  but i cannot let that stop me.  i must find away to push away my demons and do this for me. 

0 best friend

Sleep is my best friend.  I cannot remember a time where sleep was not with me.  When I was younger it was a reprieve from my headaches.  Every day after school I meet up with my best friend on the couch.  Now adays, sleep walks with me for another reason.  Sleep helps me to forget my worries.  I find comfort in sleeps arms.  When my best friend greets me, I am able to escape.  Unfortunately, I spend too much time with this friend of mine.  I know I should distance myself, but it is not very easy.

0 how do I...

how do I tell you that you are not alone
we were all there once
looked down upon and stereotyped
for some, time has faded the memory
for others, it is clear as day

how do I show you that you are not alone
we have all felt the pressure
weighed down by others' expectations
some have forced the memory away
others hold on to it tightly

how do I help you understand that you are not alone
we were all there once
struggling to simply be young
for some, it is lost and so they do on to you as was done to them
for others, it is a knowledge they wish to pass on to you

how do I...
when your focus is on the some who cannot remember
when all you feel is the some who oppress
the some whose expectations for you are limited
how do I get passed them to make an impact on you

how do I...
one of the others who understands were you are coming from
one who has seen what you have yet to see
who knows where you are going
how do I impart on to you that I truly do understand