on top of this being my first ever octain...it's been a long and tiring day...i can hear my bed calling me as i type...so please forgive me the octain i have attempted after reading One Stop Poetry's Form Monday introduction to this form. (note: my first thought was to use the refrain line "when death comes knocking on your door," but my brain could not seem to handle it quite yet...)
Piercing Round
the bullet pierced his heart straight through
a snipers mark he did not see
did bring him down upon his knees
deceived by love he thought was true
did leave a hole within his soul
to love again he would not do
the words declared finality
her bullet pierced his heart straight through
sad but, good nice flow
ReplyDeleteI;ve just learned the form, but it seems to me you nailed it. This is so good.
ReplyDeleteI think your octain and my octain should get together
ReplyDeleteLove can lift or decimate
nicely done
Brilliant in my opinion...but desperately sad. Great write for someone half asleep! ;)
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind- I couldn't resist adding punctuation and rejigging a few words, as it seemed to make a bolder story ? Please email me and tell me to get lost, if you want to! LOL
ReplyDeleteThe bullet pierced his heart straight through,
a snipers mark he did not see,
it made him buckle at the knee.
Deceived by love he'd thought was true,
it left a hole within his soul
as lethal shots are wont to do.
These words declared finality -
"The bullet pierced his heart straight through."
Nice to see you've nailed the form right off, and in iambic tetrameter too. I like what Jinksy has suggested as an edit, particularly punctuation-wise. The final line in speech-marks makes great sense.
ReplyDeleteWhile I tend to approach words such as 'soul', 'heart' and 'love' with caution in poetry (such has been their overuse), I think you've pulled of a good Octain here. The power in this one for me lies in your refrain line (1 & 8), and the penultimate line which sets the reader up for a heartbreaking closure; that lien seven makes us see your final line with fresh eyes, as if we haven't already read it in line one. Yet at the same time the repetition, acknowledged in there somewhere, underscores the brutality of the content.
Good job, much enjoyed this one.
Cheers
Luke
I read about the Octain but didn't get a chance to do one. I enjoyed reading yours. Quite intense and harsh but very well done!
ReplyDeleteHi rmp -
ReplyDeleteHow would you feel about me including your Octain in a thread I have running on Facebook - nearing 100 mark now - © retained by you of course and I will tag you in it so you can see all Octains written so far if you're on FB, if not I can email you the entire thing if you like. My FB is on my sidebar on my blog. If not no worries :))
Kind regards
Luke
rapture_elk@yahoo.co.uk