Who am I? I can't help but wonder
if there is more to me than I might see;
should I tare myself asunder
would I be able to set my hidden self free?
if there is more to me, than I might see
the point and the purpose of my existence;
would I be able to set my hidden self free
escaping the internal turmoil and resistance?
The point and the purpose of my existence
is this crazy mystery for me to solve;
escaping the internal turmoil and resistance,
is that how my life should revolve?
Is this crazy mystery for me to solve?
should I tare myself asunder?
is that how my life should revolve?
Who am I? I can't help but wonder.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
0 nose to nose
She drew in a deep breath. The internal battle that ensued from such a simple question was crazy. While her mind battled with the anxiety and fears, she thought about the idea of letting go of it all and maybe for one tiny moment in time she could feel normal. She longed to say yes, but just the idea caused her chest to tighten. James seemed to read the impending no on her face. As she opened her mouth to speak, he leaned forward again, looking as though he were trying to come up with some other argument for why she should join them.
What ever they were going to say was cut off by the arrival of the waitress. "So," the waitress looked from her to James, "can I get you something to drink while the you look at the menu?"
For a moment, she was caught off guard by the smile that pierced James's face that she almost missed his reply. "Actually, we were just about to join my friends over there. If you could add the tab to that table's bill, that would be perfect."
Before she could say a word the waitress nodded and disappeared from the table. She watched the waitress's retreating form in a bit of a daze. Her attention was drawn back to the table as James stood, picked up her drink and nodded for her to follow him. She stood to follow him before her brain caught up with her. "Wait."
He turned back to her; his lips pursed to one side. "Look, you are already out. It would a shame to waste a perfectly good evening. You have to eat. Do you really want for me to rattle on and on with reasons why you should join us? Because I will. I can be very tenacious."
She smiled at him. She couldn't help it. He had a way of making her forget herself. The battle going on inside of her seemed to settle. "Is that a nice way of telling me your stubborn?"
"Maybe." He gestured toward the table. "Ready?"
"What do you do?"
He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. "Hun?"
"I believe you mentioned our cover story was that you met me at work. It might help to know where you work in order to keep up appearances."
He turned back toward her. "Good point. I own a bowling alley book store."
Now it was her turn to look puzzled. A bowling alley book store was definitely an odd combination. "Seriously?"
He shook his head. "No. While it has always been a dream of mine, I'm not really sure the world is ready for the unique combo. So I settled for half. I own Thrice Told Tales, a small book store."
"Twice Told Tales? Why does that sound so familiar?"
"It's possible you've driven by it before, but I'd guess that you've probably heard the radio show." He looked a bit sheepish as he mentioned the radio show, as though he were embarrassed about it.
She began to shake her head, when she realized what he was talking about. "Your Just James." He sighed at the statement and gave a slight nod. "Wow."
"Wow good? Wow bad?"
If he only knew the number of times she had fallen asleep to the sound of his voice and the way it entered her dreams. She prayed the warmth she felt in her cheeks did not give away the direction of her thoughts. "Wow good." She did not want to elaborate any further.
He nodded, "well then, we ready now?"
She glanced over to the table where is friends sat and let out a deep breath. "Not really, but." She shrugged off the rest of her thought not really sure where it would take her.
She turned to start walking toward the table, when he spoke, "wait." She stopped and turned not realizing how close behind her he was. The stood face to face. He was so close she could feel the warmth of his breath, smell the scent of him. For a moment they seemed to just stand there frozen. The world seemed to evaporate around them and she could help but think what it would be like if he just leaned in a bit more. The thought woke her from her trance. She knew exactly what would happen and she stepped back adding a good bit of space between them. She didn't say anything, just waited for him to speak.
James shook his head slightly as though he too had been caught in a similar trance. "What does the J in J.C. stand for?"
She smiled and shook her head. "It stands for Jaycie. J-A-Y-C-I-E. Somewhere along the way I got tired of correcting people and my name turned into initials. I have been toying with the idea of legally adding a middle name that begins with a C, but I have been having trouble deciding on one. So, we ready now?"
With the sexiest little grin, he nodded and walked with her toward the people infested table.
She turned to start walking toward the table, when he spoke, "wait." She stopped and turned not realizing how close behind her he was. The stood face to face. He was so close she could feel the warmth of his breath, smell the scent of him. For a moment they seemed to just stand there frozen. The world seemed to evaporate around them and she could help but think what it would be like if he just leaned in a bit more. The thought woke her from her trance. She knew exactly what would happen and she stepped back adding a good bit of space between them. She didn't say anything, just waited for him to speak.
James shook his head slightly as though he too had been caught in a similar trance. "What does the J in J.C. stand for?"
She smiled and shook her head. "It stands for Jaycie. J-A-Y-C-I-E. Somewhere along the way I got tired of correcting people and my name turned into initials. I have been toying with the idea of legally adding a middle name that begins with a C, but I have been having trouble deciding on one. So, we ready now?"
With the sexiest little grin, he nodded and walked with her toward the people infested table.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
0 Jiminy Cricket
i've been thinking about hiring a conscious--someone to motivate me and keep me going--someone who will force me to do all the things i lack the desire to do: dishes, dusting, exercise, not nap, laundry, socialize, take vitamins, go to the doctor, get my eyes checked, quit my job, find a new job, convince me that medication might be a good solution, laugh, cry, clean my bathrooms, wash my car, eat healthy, eat, vacuum, finish reading the five or so books i've started, smile...
maybe what i really want is someone who will do all those things for me. technically not everything on the list is something i can expect someone else to do, but quite a bit could be done by someone else. either way i'd need to feel motivated enough to hire someone: housekeeper, butler, life-coach. and i wouldn't need any of those things if i didn't lack motivation.
maybe what i really want is someone who will do all those things for me. technically not everything on the list is something i can expect someone else to do, but quite a bit could be done by someone else. either way i'd need to feel motivated enough to hire someone: housekeeper, butler, life-coach. and i wouldn't need any of those things if i didn't lack motivation.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
0 My One Hundredth Post (Technically 97)
today's a special day
hitting 100 is really nice
technically 97, I must say
if you wish to be precise
hitting 100 is really nice
though not something I could have done alone
if you wish to be precise
I was never really on my own
though not something I could have done alone
every word was mine--inspired to write
I was never really on my own
it was a very hard fight
every word was mine--inspired to write
I struggled to find the words inside me
it was a very hard fight
trying to set the words free
I struggled to find the words inside me
yet I pressed on with my plight
trying to set the words free
guided by a love that still burns bright
yet I pressed on with my plight
ignoring the pressure and pain
guided by a love that still burns bright
I use the words to keep myself sane
ignoring the pressure and pain
making me feel like a hundred percent
I use the words to keep myself sane
after all that was their intent
making me feel like a hundred percent
technically 97, I must say
after all that was their intent
today's a special day
(This poem marks a special day. After seven months, I have hit the one hundred mark--not something I would have been able to do if not for a dream that asked me to rediscover the right side of my brain and the words that have not flown in quite some time. It only seemed fitting that I would challenge myself with yet a new poetic form. Hopefully I did not butcher this new form to badly, though I must say it was a fun one to work through.)
hitting 100 is really nice
technically 97, I must say
if you wish to be precise
hitting 100 is really nice
though not something I could have done alone
if you wish to be precise
I was never really on my own
though not something I could have done alone
every word was mine--inspired to write
I was never really on my own
it was a very hard fight
every word was mine--inspired to write
I struggled to find the words inside me
it was a very hard fight
trying to set the words free
I struggled to find the words inside me
yet I pressed on with my plight
trying to set the words free
guided by a love that still burns bright
yet I pressed on with my plight
ignoring the pressure and pain
guided by a love that still burns bright
I use the words to keep myself sane
ignoring the pressure and pain
making me feel like a hundred percent
I use the words to keep myself sane
after all that was their intent
making me feel like a hundred percent
technically 97, I must say
after all that was their intent
today's a special day
(This poem marks a special day. After seven months, I have hit the one hundred mark--not something I would have been able to do if not for a dream that asked me to rediscover the right side of my brain and the words that have not flown in quite some time. It only seemed fitting that I would challenge myself with yet a new poetic form. Hopefully I did not butcher this new form to badly, though I must say it was a fun one to work through.)
0 Villanelle...attempt two and three
i toyed a bit more...though i don't think i've improved much...
Believe
I could make all my dreams come true
and every wish my heart holds dear
if I would just believe in you
It should be so easy to do
if I just release all the fear
I could make all my dreams come true
Somewhere in my heart there's a clue
I should but hope to see it clear
if I would just believe in you
But for me this is all so new
and yet should I let go a tear
I could make all my dreams come true
I need to open my arms, too
pull you to me and hold you near
if I would just believe in you
Don't you know that with just a few
simple words whispered in my ear
You could make all my dreams come true
if I just believed in me, too
Pledge
With her hand in his, their pledge is made
deep in their hearts, they feel it is right
this promise of love that shall not fade
For this evening she has dreamed and prayed
to find a love so dear, she'll hold on tight
with her hand in his, their pledge is made
To see him, she's no longer afraid
with his gaze on hers, she cannot fight
this promise of love that shall not fade
As he stands there and waits--his nerves frayed
she moves to him, a vision in white
with her hand in his, their pledge is made
With such sweet simple words he has laid
his heart bare, what a beautiful sight
this promise of love that shall not fade
This moment in time, they will not trade
full of love, they dance away the night
with her hand in his, their pledge is made
a promise of love that shall not fade
Believe
I could make all my dreams come true
and every wish my heart holds dear
if I would just believe in you
It should be so easy to do
if I just release all the fear
I could make all my dreams come true
Somewhere in my heart there's a clue
I should but hope to see it clear
if I would just believe in you
But for me this is all so new
and yet should I let go a tear
I could make all my dreams come true
I need to open my arms, too
pull you to me and hold you near
if I would just believe in you
Don't you know that with just a few
simple words whispered in my ear
You could make all my dreams come true
if I just believed in me, too
Pledge
With her hand in his, their pledge is made
deep in their hearts, they feel it is right
this promise of love that shall not fade
For this evening she has dreamed and prayed
to find a love so dear, she'll hold on tight
with her hand in his, their pledge is made
To see him, she's no longer afraid
with his gaze on hers, she cannot fight
this promise of love that shall not fade
As he stands there and waits--his nerves frayed
she moves to him, a vision in white
with her hand in his, their pledge is made
With such sweet simple words he has laid
his heart bare, what a beautiful sight
this promise of love that shall not fade
This moment in time, they will not trade
full of love, they dance away the night
with her hand in his, their pledge is made
a promise of love that shall not fade
Does not count toward required three minimum.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
0 Villanelle--Come to Bear
i thought to study a form of poetry
to expand myself and explore something new
thinking i could master it so simply
to pull words together and set my soul free
by expressing myself and my point of view
i thought to study a form of poetry
everything it shall take is deep inside me
though i hide it away--showing it to few
i know i could master it so simply
so i read and i read until i could see
what the masters of this form already knew
i thought to study a form of poetry
with my newfound knowledge how hard could it be
writing this poem i could definitely do
no doubt i could master it so simply
now that i read it over, was i crazy
to attempt such a feat and give it its due
i thought to study a form of poetry
as though I could master it--so simply
to expand myself and explore something new
thinking i could master it so simply
to pull words together and set my soul free
by expressing myself and my point of view
i thought to study a form of poetry
everything it shall take is deep inside me
though i hide it away--showing it to few
i know i could master it so simply
so i read and i read until i could see
what the masters of this form already knew
i thought to study a form of poetry
with my newfound knowledge how hard could it be
writing this poem i could definitely do
no doubt i could master it so simply
now that i read it over, was i crazy
to attempt such a feat and give it its due
i thought to study a form of poetry
as though I could master it--so simply
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
0 today would be a really good day for a hug...
i'm not sure i can make it through today. part of me would just like to sit at home alone and allow the tears to fall at will; maybe finally let go of it all. what i want is my hug; and that is no longer possible. i'm sure i'm not the only one who will find things hard today, but unlike them, who would prefer to be around family, i like being alone where I don't have to worry putting on my mask.
today should be a happy day--doubly happy. i feel horrible--wanting to be alone, when i know they don't want to be alone. i should be stronger, though i know that is stupid to think. i have every right to feel as i do.
today should be a day of celebration, but under normal circumstances i don't care much for the whole hoopla business. these are not normal circumstances.
what i would give for a hug...i really miss the hug, today.
today should be a happy day--doubly happy. i feel horrible--wanting to be alone, when i know they don't want to be alone. i should be stronger, though i know that is stupid to think. i have every right to feel as i do.
today should be a day of celebration, but under normal circumstances i don't care much for the whole hoopla business. these are not normal circumstances.
what i would give for a hug...i really miss the hug, today.
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