0 wish to be seen

I enjoyed him
thoroughly and completely
he saw me for who I was
helped me to see me for who I was
his words forced me to face myself
expose the fears that hold me back
with him I was alive and whole
and have give anything if he were real

0 Crux

Tears spilled like crazy
streaking my cheeks
converging at my lips
the taste salty on my tongue

Tears spilled like crazy
from fear and anxiety
that binds me
a helpless soul of nothing

Tears spilled like crazy
my thoughts turn to the future
how will I survive
I can only fake so much

Tears spilled like crazy
how do I get past the insanity
it can not be explained
and so I am alone

Tears spilled like crazy
with the knowledge
that I will always be alone
bound by this pathetic phobia

0 Encounter #52...continued...

[She held out her hand to him.  The right corner of her mouth twitched into a half smile.  He lifted his hand toward her, but stop an inch away from touching it and withdrew his hand.  He looked up at her; his brows drew in.]

Him:  I'm sorry.  This all just feels weird. 

[She looked at him without saying a word.]

Him:  Maybe we could just talk for a little bit.

[She rested her hand back on her lap, a small sigh escaping her as she did.  Then a inaudible laugh escaped her.  She shook her head and smiled, one that actually reached her eyes.]

Her:  We can talk.  But I warn you it has been a while since I had a normal conversation with someone.  I might be a bit rusty at the whole small talk stuff.
Him:  It's like riding a bike, it comes back to you pretty easily.  How about I start?

[She nodded.]

Him:  How long have you been doing this?
Her:  Wow.  I think it has been almost two years.
Him:  How many guys have you do it with?  Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that.

[She smiled.]

Her:  It's all good.  Um...you would make 52, so 51.
Him:  51, exactly?

[She nodded.]

Him:  Any you know the exact number off the top of your head because...
Her:  Well, each of the sessions, as I believe you were told is recorded.  After each session, I transcribe what took place.  Before I 'do it' with a new person, I file all of the previous sessions and begin a new dossier.  Yesterday I started folder number 52.
Him:  What's in my dossier so far?
Her:  Your application, which includes your family history and your medical history. 
Him:  So you already know more than any of first date might.
Her:  Yes and no.  I don't really like to read all of that information up front.  I prefer to...
Him:  To...what?

0 words escape me...

I give up.  It is not in me at the moment.  I wish I could find it.  I wish I could dig up the words buried deep within.  Unfortunately, I cannot.  I am at a lose, which is nothing new really.  Maybe if I am lucky it will hit me when I least expected it.  I can only hope. 

0 if only i could...

Twice now I've started the week with an overwhelming desire to quit.  I sat at the top of the stairs with the anxiety twisting inside me and all I could do was wish for an end.  Unfortunately there does not seem to be an end in sight.  For as I sat there completely resolved to the fact, I should have known better.  By the time I made it to the bottom of the steps I knew I wouldn't quit.  I'm chicken.  That's the truth.  Also scared of the unknown.  Not to mention that I fear if I were to make such a life altering decision people would assume the wrong reason behind my decision.  So I'm left to continue on this path no matter how unhappy I may be with it.

0 encounter #52

[She sat quietly in the chair look down at her hands and does not notice when he enters.  He watches her for a moment from the doorway without saying a word.  He steps in and clears his throat.  She looks up and a thin forced smile appears on her lips.]

Her:  Hello
Him:  Hi

[He walks over and sits down next to her.]

Him:  I'm James
Her:  Hi James.  How are you today?
Him:  Good.  And you?
Her:  A little tired.  It has been a long day for me.
Him:  I guess I'm not your first today?
Her:  Actually, you are.  I've just had a lot of stuff to deal with this morning.

[He nods.]

Him:  So how exactly does this work?
Her:  Pretty simple really.  We just touch hands. 
Him:  And then.
Her:  No one explained you this all to you?
Him:  Well there was some jumpy kid all hopped up on what I hope was caffeine or sugar.  He talked a mile a minute and I could barely keep up with him.  Before I could ask any questions, he pointed to the door and walked away.
Her:  I'm sorry.  The regular greeter is out today.  As for the jumpy kid, I'm sure he's hopped on both. 

[He smiled and gave a bit of a laugh.]

Her:  As far as I understand it, my experience is a bit different than others.  I guess it just comes with the territory.  For you it is pretty simple; it is kind of like watching a movie on fast forward and every once in a while things play at normal speed.  You don't really feel anything, outside of normal emotions you might have while watching a movie and then that is only when things occur at normal speed.
Him:  It's different for you?  Do you mind if I ask how?
Her:  I don't mind. 

[She looked down at her hands, flexed her fingers, then turned her attention back to him.]

Her:  I feel everything.  Every emotion.  Every touch.  Every thought.  It matters not whether I'm in fast forward or regular motion.  I experience it all as though I were right there in that moment and in that time.
Him:  Seriously?!?
Her:  Yes.
Him:  That has to suck!
Her:  Yes, more than you know.
Him:  So why do you do this?
Her:  I have been wondering that myself lately.

[Silence drags on for a good minute.]

Her:  So are you ready?

[He looks at her, studying her closely and hesitates.  She stays silent.]

Him:  I guess.  If you are.

0 nothing

I can go on forever listing the things I don't have.  My most recent thought was "I have nothing."  In the back of my head I know that is not true.  But still...

Maybe I need to start making a list of all that I do have.  Maybe I need to remind myself that there is more to me and my life than I realize.

I guess I just wonder...what if it is not enough?