0 You Look Beautiful...

it's funny (or not...i'm not really sure), i was driving to work this morning and a song (for lack of a better word) that i had written ages ago popped into my head.  no, that's not the funny part (besides i'm not quite sure this whole revelation counts as funny anyway).  anyway, i was thinking about the title and how though the words themselves don't appear in the song any where, they are the unsaid words that cause the torture and pain expressed in the song.  the words/title...i know you're wondering about them...are the same as title of this post.

and it's funny (there i go again with the 'funny'...not funny ha-ha...maybe odd is a better word), i realized why the words hurt so much.  yes, they made me think about how if i look beautiful now, what must i have been before.  but what i realized was it wasn't that i wished to be told i looked beautiful, but that i was beautiful.  it seems like a simple distinction; and i know in the back of my mind (somewhere buried deep) i believe i am and i believe others do as well...it's just that i guess it would be nice to hear the words, to feel the words, to believe not only in my mind, but in my heart as well.

okay, not funny...sad really...

"I sat in the chair
bein' beautified
had my makeup done up
and my hair done just so
as I gazed in the mirror
at a reflection not my own
the compliments began
and it hit me like a blow
if this is me know
what must I have been like then

And the words course through me
like poison from a snake
tarin' through my heart
till my whole body ached
and the tears just want to fall
but I can't set 'em free
gotta hold 'em back
so they won't see
how they've affected me

It was a fanciful night
though there were clouds in the  sky
a touch of rain in the air
oh, but I was dressed to suit
in a gown that didn't quite fit
I kept steppin' on my heals
as I made my way through the crowd
haunted by their voices
so gracious were their words
but I can't help to think
if this is me know
what must I have been like then

And the words cut through me
like poison on a knife
tarin' through my heart
till my whole body aches
and the tears just want to fall
but I can't let 'em go
gotta hold 'em back
so they won't know
how they've affected me

and the compliments began
and it hit me like blow
so gracious where their words
but I can't help but think
if this is me know
what must I have been like then


like poison from a snake
tarin' through my heart
till my whole body aches
and the tears just want to fall
but I can't set 'em free
gotta hold 'em back
so they won't see
how they've affected me

I nod past the cringin'

smile past the pain
if this is me know
what must I have been like then"And the words course through me

0 Hold on...(lyrics...song #2)

The time has finally come
there's no denying
for it's so plain to see
I can hear it in your voice
see it in your eyes
feel it in with every touch

And alls I want to do
is hold on
just a little bit longer

So please won't you
Love me
like there's no tomorrow
Hold me
like you'll never let me go

0 encounter #52...session 1...completed

She finished up the transcript of the newest test subject.  He had researched her.  The thought popped back into her head like an itch she couldn't scratch.  Why the idea of this so intrigued her, she could not say.  She thought back over the session.  It had been so outside the norm.  Yes, it was true that others had procrastinated when it came to the first touch, but most of them had decided to fill the time rambling on about themselves.  They felt the need to explain why they were participating in the study.  A rare few had spent the time hitting on her.  They weren't interested in getting to know her, not as James had seemed to be.

Maybe it was simply the fact that it had been so long since someone seemed genuinely interested in getting to know her.  Most people either looked at her as some kind of freak or were intent on using her.  It was something she had become use to and accepted.  She did have genuine friends.  But most of them she had grown up with.  She had known them long before she had allowed her 'gift' to push her into her own social exile. 

A soft knock on the door stole her away from her thoughts, which she silently gave thanks for.  "Yes," she called out.  The door opened just enough for Marc, today's hyper assistant, to stick his arm in and hand her a note.  "Thanks," she said as Marc smiled and shut the door behind him.  It seems that he had mellowed a bit since this morning.  Unfolding the note, she saw that James had made another appointment.  A small tingle of excitement tugged at her.  She shook it away, but couldn't stop the smile that was beginning to form on her lips.  After a few seconds she cursed herself for being so foolish.  She knew better by now than to allow someone to get under her skin.  He's just another test subject, nothing more!  She told herself as she started gathering her belongs to head home for a nice relaxing evening with a good book.  She tried fruitlessly not to think about the next time she'd see James again.  She growled at herself in frustration.  This is going to be a long four days!

0 quitting....

i felt the resolve in me twice now, in regards to two different matters.  but still it was strong and certain and i felt a distinct belief that it real.  there was no wishy-washiness to it.  this was how it was, would be and should be. 

one morning after getting ready, i found myself sitting at the top of the stairs as i often do and the decision came to me.  'i have to quit.'  there was a certain finality to it.  like since i made the decision that was how i would be.  it felt good.  and for those few minutes as i sat there letting it sink in, i felt good.  unfortunately i'm a wuss and by the time i made my way down the stairs i knew it would not be.  no matter that it is what my heart wanted.  when have i ever allowed my heart to win out?

that was the first feeling of absolute certainty and acceptance to the way things needed to be.  i wish i could explain how that decision took me, however brief it may have lasted.  i wish i could explain why it was not as it should have been, why i waiver.

as for the second time i was struck by the same intense feeling of acceptance and resolve...well that is for another day...

0 encounter #52...continued...

Her:  So then, it would appear that you know more about me than I know about you.
Him:  Maybe, but not the important stuff.
Her:  Like?
Him:  Like...do you have a boyfriend.

[She laughed.]

Her:  Seriously?  Do you really think that I could manage a boyfriend, when I can't touch him; when he can't touch me...

[She glanced up at the clock.]

Her:  It appears our time is up.  If you are still interested in participating in the study, you can speak with the hyper kid who brought you in and he'll set up another appointment.
Him:  Wow, I did not realize how quickly time seemed to go by.  We never...
Her:  It's okay, you're not the first to bide his time when it came to first contact. 

[She stood and gestured for him to preceed her.  He opened his mouth to say something, then shook his head and exited in front of her.  She slipped her gloves out of her pocket and slowly placed them on before following suit.]

0 sleep paralysis

it has a name.  i don't know what took me so long to look it up, but i finally did.  typed in 'dream paralysis' and low and behold found out that it wasn't just me.  there really exist a clinical definition for what i experience.  i read through a couple of different sites and checked out several videos.  some videos were documentary type; other videos were people explaining there experience.  oh, and there is apparently some lore behind the whole thing, 'old hag' and others.  there are two different types, one that includes hallucinations including sound and shadows; the other type is simply the inability to move.  very interesting really.

there are some discrepancies with my experiences.  one, they state sleep deprivation as one of the reason for it.  As far as i'm concerned, i am most definitely not sleep deprived.  i actually curbed the amount i slept to keep it at bay because it seems the more i sleep the more likely it is to happen.  i'm also a little interested in finding out what waking from this sleep paralysis is like for others.  for me, i am not only physically a little sluggish, but my mind/brain is in a big giant fog.  it takes a good hour or so for me to finally feel normal after waking from an episode. 

knowing though helps.  it should take some of the fear out of it.  though i doubt the fear will ever disappear. 

0 encounter #52...continued...

Her:  I like the chance to get to know someone the old fashion way.  Granted things happen in the flash of a vision, but there is still that feeling of getting to know someone. 
Him:  How often do you get to know someone outside of a vision?
Her:  It has been quite a long while.

[He gestured between them.]

Him:  Does this count?
Her:  Well, it has been a bit one sided so far.  You asking questions; me doing most of the revealing.  And even then your questions have been a focused like an inquisition.  I'm not so sure this counts.

[A half smile appears on his face as he nods in thought.]

Him:  Well then, what would you like to know about me?
Her:  Hmm.  I don't really know.  Like a said I'm not really good at small talk and it has been a long time since I had a chance to really get to know someone.

[He waited patiently, not saying a word.  A minute passed in silence.]

Her:  I suppose you are waiting for me to come up with a question.

[He shrugged, but the smile on his face was a silent agreement.]

Her:  Fine.  Why are you here?  What made you decide to participate in this research study?
Him:  Curiosity.
Her:  That's it?  Curiosity?
Him:  Yeah, pretty much.  I saw an article in a magazine about you and was a bit fascinated by the whole idea.  So I did a little research and found out about this study. 

[He shrugged.]

Him:  I thought why not?