0 You Look Beautiful...

it's funny (or not...i'm not really sure), i was driving to work this morning and a song (for lack of a better word) that i had written ages ago popped into my head.  no, that's not the funny part (besides i'm not quite sure this whole revelation counts as funny anyway).  anyway, i was thinking about the title and how though the words themselves don't appear in the song any where, they are the unsaid words that cause the torture and pain expressed in the song.  the words/title...i know you're wondering about them...are the same as title of this post.

and it's funny (there i go again with the 'funny'...not funny ha-ha...maybe odd is a better word), i realized why the words hurt so much.  yes, they made me think about how if i look beautiful now, what must i have been before.  but what i realized was it wasn't that i wished to be told i looked beautiful, but that i was beautiful.  it seems like a simple distinction; and i know in the back of my mind (somewhere buried deep) i believe i am and i believe others do as well...it's just that i guess it would be nice to hear the words, to feel the words, to believe not only in my mind, but in my heart as well.

okay, not funny...sad really...

"I sat in the chair
bein' beautified
had my makeup done up
and my hair done just so
as I gazed in the mirror
at a reflection not my own
the compliments began
and it hit me like a blow
if this is me know
what must I have been like then

And the words course through me
like poison from a snake
tarin' through my heart
till my whole body ached
and the tears just want to fall
but I can't set 'em free
gotta hold 'em back
so they won't see
how they've affected me

It was a fanciful night
though there were clouds in the  sky
a touch of rain in the air
oh, but I was dressed to suit
in a gown that didn't quite fit
I kept steppin' on my heals
as I made my way through the crowd
haunted by their voices
so gracious were their words
but I can't help to think
if this is me know
what must I have been like then

And the words cut through me
like poison on a knife
tarin' through my heart
till my whole body aches
and the tears just want to fall
but I can't let 'em go
gotta hold 'em back
so they won't know
how they've affected me

and the compliments began
and it hit me like blow
so gracious where their words
but I can't help but think
if this is me know
what must I have been like then


like poison from a snake
tarin' through my heart
till my whole body aches
and the tears just want to fall
but I can't set 'em free
gotta hold 'em back
so they won't see
how they've affected me

I nod past the cringin'

smile past the pain
if this is me know
what must I have been like then"And the words course through me