#1
I'm troubled to find
twirling with arms wide open
snow kisses melt fast
a contradiction to yours
which linger long and melt...me
#2
I feel the sun's kiss
mirror the burning within
oh how I miss you
just the thought of your sweet lips
sends shivers of pure desire
once again i find myself toying with tanka. my first attempts were done with the simple knowledge of syllable count. my second attempts were done with a bit of history on the origins (lover's notes). since, i have gleaned some additional information on the traditional structure of the poem, which splits the poem in two pieces (and tends to include some expression of season). i can't quite decide if this makes it easier to write or more challenging--this thinking in parts. i reviewed my other attempts; read them as though they were two separate entities and they sounded like they fit (except for the season bit)...but what do i really know...except that i happen to like them. Anyway, thank you to One Stop Poetry's Form Monday (Part 1 and Part 2) for their wonderful review of this poetic form. you have totally destroyed my original view of tanka, for which i am not sure i can forgive you...maybe given a bit of time...we'll see...
it's called painful learning....and it happens to all of us. For me, it shot down two years of work on tanka.
ReplyDeleteI avoided that split poem, pivot line, etc...nuances, all sorts of things, and what I was composing was freeverse, not tanka.
This first one is especially good: you got the kigo in there, and that is sometimes damn hard.
Lady Nyo
Oh we all make mistakes! That's part of the fun! I really got in to these tanka, I've only braved 2 on my blog so far. New stuff is scary but you soon find yourself relaxing into it!
ReplyDeleteI particularly love the first one!
ReplyDeleteLovely work on this, the first is strong, sweet.
ReplyDeleteLovely...the first with the vision of melting resounds....bkm
ReplyDeleteThanks for the commenting on my Tanka. It's nice to have the support!
ReplyDeleteYou have some nice pieces here. I enjoy the romance of them both. I like the way #1 started out. It seemed to be the perfect set up for the lower verse. And you've made the season a strong presence in each. I like how they are tied to the subject's feelings of passion.
nice...both of them highly romantic...i like the first one the best i think...
ReplyDeleteThe first one is so "physical". We can ALL remember twirling under snow flakes... and hopefully we have all had a kiss like the ones you describe. Very wonderful.
ReplyDeletekisses that melt - me...yes - this is beautiful
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your tanka!
ReplyDeleteLike Lady Nyo said, 'knowing is a painful experience'. The path to getting close to perfection cannot be a clear meadow--brambles and other wild things grow in it. The challenge for us lies in our perseverance to get through them not unscathed. As a haiku and tanka 'novice' myself, I'd like to tell you that 'joy' in discovering the secrets of these exquisite art forms is beyond words.
Keep it up! Yes, the kigo (snow) in the first tanka is good!
Enjoyed the first one, loved the second one (which was perfect).
ReplyDelete