6 forgive me

it has been a long and trying week; i took this theme down a path it was not expecting to go (nor i'm sure that it wished to go).  but this letting of words has always been my salvation; it pulls from my mind, body and soul all of the toxins that threaten to overpower.  so please forgive me the turn i have taken here (in anticipation of Jingle Poetry's Poetry Potluck [Peace, Relaxation, and Spirituality]).

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Forgive Me

why did You make me?
what purpose could it possible serve?
was i the punchline to some joke?
was i the result of a lost wager?
were You intoxicated? drunk of Your ass?
am i the pawn is some twisted game?
are You waiting to see how long i'll play
before being sacrificed?

why did You make me like this?
cursed with selflessness, when all i wish is to be selfish;
boiling in constant turmoil, when all i wish for is tranquility;
burdened with endless pain, when all i wish is for peace.
i've checked the footprints in the sand,
there's only one set;
i've measured them,
their breadth, width and depth,
and they are mine, and mine alone.

all of this You have given me
this burden i carry alone
and still
i believe
still
i am filled with hope
still
i push forward praying
for the day i'll find balance
praying
that i'll finally understand
praying
that it is all worth it.
and i suppose that at least
i have that to be thankful to You for.
but You must forgive me,
because You've made it very hard for me
to be thankful
to You.

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this poem haunts me in a way i cannot explain.  part of me wishes to wash it away.  delete it as though it never was.  i find myself struggling with its existence...odd when you consider that it speaks to my understanding of my own existence...  maybe my problem isn't with the poem so much as the opening up for others to see.  i'm torn...erase from existence, hide away from the world and myself, or let go...