3 so...so...tired...

i'm tired...

not physically (though i am that as well), but emotionally...

i can't handle this obsession that is starting to set in...these hopes and this anticipation that is met more often than not with disappointment.  i wrote for my own pleasure...only caring about self-validation...now there is this whole new world out there that once again throws me into a world of judgment...

part of me wants to just make this blog disappear into the ether...so it is no more...  to once again pickup paper and pencil where the only eyes i need worry about are my own...

it is so hard to ignore the irrational part of my brain...yet still i do.  i still wonder what i'd be like if the left hemisphere of my brain were not so balanced with the right.  i've talked before about my warring hemispheres (i like that, 'warring hemispheres'...i think there might be a poem in there) and my theory that my left-brain grew as a defense mechanism.  but still...this battle is tiring...

and as much as i want to give in...let go...crawl away and disappear myself in the ether...i will continue...

maybe one day i'll find peace...

0 brain wars

i'm a numbers person.  not the show numb3ers, though i must admit it was an enjoyable show to watch.  but that is besides the point.  i'm a numbers person.  i am logical, practical, detailed oriented, and ruled by facts.  in short, my left brain rules.  it has since probably about eighth grade.  its need to push its way to the forefront was probably a self-defense mechanism.  my irrational and erratic thoughts needed some semblance of peace, order and structure.  my left brain was the cure.  still is.  my right brain doesn't quite like that.  it is starving to get out and explore.  i try my best to give it its due, but is not easy to do.  it struggles and in turn it acts up inappropriately or not at all.

i like seeing possibilities.  i like following a hunch.  i like seeing the big picture.  i like believing in more than what i see.  i wish i could let my right brain come out and play more often.  i wish i could open myself up to its potential and not be scared of what might come.  i wish...

0 beyond the two brain theory

While the obsorbed-twin-two-brain theory has allowed me to put aside the insistent belief of a brain tumor, it also permitted me an opportunity to explain away my uniquely balanced brain.   According to an online quiz, I am 51% left brained...not a surprise when logical often runs my life.  Thus my right brain, the area considered the more creative and big picture side, holds 49% of my mental powers. 

I believe I was born more right brained and that the apparently more dominant left brain was developed as a coping mechanism.  I suffer from some emotional issues that produce some rather irrational thoughts, logics, and fears.  These issues can be traced back as early as second grade.  It seems to me that in order to cope, I needed to form some logical way to rationalize the irrational.  Order can be a great way to may the things you cannot control seem a bit easier to handle. 

If nature had been allowed to take its course free of my insanity, I think I most definitly would foster more right brain characteristics.  But maybe nature was looking out for me by helping me to develop the other half of my brain so thoroughly.  I am not sure I would (a) be alive or (b) be functioning outside of an insane asylum if not for my well balanced brain.

Unfortunately, when the irrational thoughts consume me, one of my best coping mechanisms is born in creativity.  I say unfortunately because often those sideways fears cause my logical brain to kick in to form some semblance of everything that creeps up on me.  And so I find myself frustrated and stunted, wanting more and not being able to truly grasp the part of me that so wishes to be heard.  Sometimes I wish I could shut off the left side of my brain and allow my right to set me free.