"Yesterday my mind was working overtime in the crazy department. But strangely enough the idea still followed me around today. I was wondering if it was possible to teach one's self to be schizophrenic. The idea of creating and controlling (a minor deviation from the true ailment) and alter personality, one that breaks free from everything I am, on that embodies everything I wish I were, is intoxicating. More importantly, being able to shut off the part of me that is...well that is me. It would be nice to be able to turn off the feelings, fears, and anxieties that continually plague me. I already have a multitude of personalities I turn on and off all the time. But o matter which of my alter egos is running the show, I am still ever present with all my faults. My personalities have been used to hide the real me from the world, Being able to truly shut myself down and let someone else takeover would be about me being, not hiding. I realize there is some minor incongruencies in that statement, but I need to be free. The part of me longing to get out needs an opportunity to show without constantly being bombarded with my constant internal turmoil. And maybe, just maybe, being a schizophrenic is my ticket out." 03/14/2008
I still wish I could escape myself. It is why I get absorb in tv, movies, books, and writing. It is a time where I can leave myself for a while. But it is not really just about escaping myself and all of the fears and anxieties that continually reek havoc on my mind, body and soul. What I truly wish is to be the me I know is hidden away, the me that does not get a chance to shine because of my neurosis. I wish I could compartmentalize that part of me and maybe have a chance of really being me.
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