0 At bay

She could feel her resolve slipping.  It was getting harder to contain the emotions that seemed to be bubbling up from nowhere.  They didn't notice.  Or if they did they ignore it.  Maybe they perceived it to be just laziness on her part.  She gritted her teeth and leaned her head against the cold metal surface.  She willed the feelings to subside, to hold off a bit longer.  All she needed to do was make it through the next hour or so before she could allow it to consume her.

Taking in a deep breath she forced the feeling down as she pushed away from the case and continued to work.  There were times when she could pinpoint the thing that caused these feelings to surface.  Unfortunately, the past three years or maybe it was four by now, she had been bombarded by emotions that she could usually control.  As she shifted her attention to the other case and began the wrap-up process, another wave hit her.  Once again she closed her eyes and willed the feelings to temperarily subside.  There was a part of her that wanted to tell them she wasn't feeling well, that she need to leave.  But she knew that she would then have to explain, something she wish very much not to do.  Plus if she was sure she could contain the tears that were trying desperately to escape.  So she just continued on with her inner turmoil, the war she knew she would never win.

0 alone

Time passes
i'm alone
the world spins
uncontrolably
i'm alone
everything crashes in
collapsing
i'm alone
nothing is as it should be
craziness ensues
i'm alone
always alone

0 the power

my heart aches constantly.  my mind races non-stop.  tears crest too often.  none of this is new.  i use to handle it better.  it is getting harder.  i am isolating myself, even from myself.  how i manage to move beyond these walls is beyond me.  how i manage to continue my routine is a mystery.  i wish i possessed the ability to silence it all.  the power to make my heart stop aching.  the power to settle my racing mind.  i should be out there enjoying myself and my life.  i deserve that.  why i fight it so, i canno fathom.

0 motivation lost

the energy is absent from my being
while the longing seems deafening
here i wander endlessly lost
unable to do what is needed
to abosrbed by the fear and pain
i'm bound to feeling this longing
for something more than i am
i'm bound to lack the energy
to change into who i could be

0 Steely Blue

steely blue eyes
pierce through me
seeing deep within
a place seldom viewed
revealed and laid out bare

steely blue eyes
penetrate my soul
staring straight through
to a core rarely displayed
ripped open and naked

steely blue eyes
gaze directly into mine
asking intently for a peek
access to what lies buried
dropped walls and exposed

0 fortune cookie #2

"A single kind word will keep one warm for years."

Can a word really have that much power?  Can it really stay with you, always there to bring to the forefront when needed?  I'd have to say yes.  I have always believed in the power of a word.  Two words in particular I have found misused and abused.  Love.  Hate.  They are very powerful words, though often not given the due they deserve.  But all of that is besides the point.

While a single word can hold immense power, a single kind word will not warm me.  In fact, it tends to do the exact opposite.  I'm not sure how it works, but I have an amazing knack for allowing something to fester, allowing it to play over and over until I twist it into something it is not.  I suppose one might say it is a real talent.  For me a single word will plague me for years, caging my heart instead of releasing it.

0 mother

Everyone calls her mother.  She isn't really their mother.  None of them have the same blood running through their veins.  None of them share the same DNA.  I on the other hand do.  I am treated no different than any of them.  She treats me like just another number.  It is not as though I mind.  Sometimes I even prefer not to be treated special or different from the rest.  As it is, I have a hard enough time fitting in with everyone. 

She is beautiful and commanding.  When she enters the room everyone stops and waits to see what she'll say or do.  They all aim to please, which is probably why I don't quite fit in.  I am not entranced by her; I'm not in awe; my world does not revolve around making sure that she notices me or is greatful for my existance.  I learned long ago it was fuitile.  Eventually I am sure they will learn too.