0 books...

She stood staring at the shelves line with books.  Her eyes scanned the titles, took in the look of the spin or the cover if the book was turn out and felt her tension begin to dissipate.  Here inside this giant room, surounded by books, she found a peace that eluded her elsewhere.  She itched reach out and touch the books, run her hand over them, and feel the last of her anxiety vanish.  Books had an unusual affect on her.  She couldn't explain what exactly it was, but she accepted it without question even though being here with people milling around everywhere only helped to feed into her angst.  It was an odd battle these two entities envoked within her.  The need to run and escape the world was intense, but the pull of the books and the calming feeling they brought to her was a need she had to obey.

4 With Every Word... In Every Action...

I fear ridicule
like an arachnophobe fears the eight legged spider
deep in the vast space of my mind
I feel them staring at me
I see them waiting for me to mess up
I hear them laughing at me
deep inside the recesses of my soul
the idea of being mocked
criticized
looked upon as though I have three heads
feasts on me
with every word I speak
in every action I take

Every day I fight
like an underdog battles for dominance
deep in my mind I have my own cheer squad
they whisper to me every time I open my mouth
"Hiss, Boo, Bah"
their cheer sounds in my head with every move I make
"Hiss, Boo, Bah"
deep in my soul their chant echoes
the paranoia of being teased
taunted
followed by eyes I image are watching me
eats away at me
with every word I speak

in every action I take

I hope to be released
like an innocent prisoner absolved of his crime
deep within I rage against my mind to no avail
my eyes focus on the bottle
one pill might provide me relief
all pills guarantee the relief I seek
deep down in my soul I battle for control
the fear of letting go of control
admitting defeat
laying down my arms to something outside myself
tears at me

with every word I speak

in every action I take

I fear ridicule
it feasts on me
eats away at me
tears at me
Every day I fight
with every word I speak

in every action I take

I hope to be released

from the ideas that fester

the paranoia that consumes

the fear that binds

one pill

all pills

"Hiss, Boo, Bah"

the bottle holds no absolution for me

deep within me lies the answer

---

Inspiration for this post came in part from Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>absolve(d), hiss, ridicule] and in part from my recent exploration of phobias.  

0 with just a smile...

She smiles at him, waits for him to meet her eye, watches his lips curl into a sexy little smile of his own, and then lowers her gaze in a shy eyelash fluttering way.  As she watches him through her lashes, she knows he's hooked.

4 just a lingering hint

just a tiny little taste
a hint of what might be
lingers on my lips
just a brief intoxicating whiff
a hint of what could be
lingers in my mind
just a small tender touch
a hint of what might be
lingers on my cheek
just the thought of your sweet simple kiss
brings a hint of a sparkle to my eyes and sheen to my lips
signs that belie the lingering feelings of lust

---

This weeks post was inspired by Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>hint, lust, sheen]. At first, I thought to try my hand once again at a Palindrome Poem, but one semi-successful attempt does not an expert make, especially when the post must include three specific word. So after getting about five lines including only one of the words (two if you count the turn around word, but seeing as how I had yet to find the link between the lines I don't really count it), I conceded defeat.  I'm not giving up on my desire to master this interesting poetic form, just waiting for the right flow of words to hit.

0 darling

love
please
fade not, do brightly burn
forever embrace me, hold tightly
~darling~
tightly hold me, embrace forever
burn brightly, do not fade
please
love

---

i took a shot at writing a palindrome...not really sure it works...not really sure i like it...

0 Phobias...

i decided it was time to look up the specific name of my unusual phobia...

telephonophobia -- this is not the fear of the telephone, but rather the fear of making and/or answering the phone...

while looking at the gigantic list of phobias, i came across a couple of others that i have...

Anthropophobia (fear of people or society:  mild, but growing stronger every day); Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces:  mild, but heightened when other people are in the small space with me); Decidophobia (fear of making decisions:  mild only when other people are effected by my decision);  Doxophobia (fear of expressing opinions or receiving praise:  mild on expressing; strong on receiving); Glossophobia (fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak:  strong when i am not familiar with the people; strong with larger crowds regardless of familiarity; mild with small groups; mild to none existent with children and teens); Iatrophobia (fear of doctors:  strong, but mainly because i am a hypochondriac who would rather not discover if those ailments are real); Monopathophobia (fear of definite sickness; mild, as long as i don't think about dispelling my hypochondria); Social Phobia (fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations:  impairing and growing stronger everyday)

those were the ones on the list that really stood out to me.  there were definitely some interesting ones.  can you believe there is actually a fear of phobias (phobophobia)...

it wasn't necessarily a complete list...so i can only ponder what others i might have...

0 i wish i could just disappear...

i can feel it...i'm on a downward spiral...spinning faster and faster with every turn...i have no grasp...nothing to hold on to...my breath is being pulled out of me through this whirlwind...

---

my thoughts have traveled lately to the idea of disappearing...just up and leaving...going off somewhere where i can breathe, wrap my mind around things, and recreate myself...

i think about disappearing and not being found...

how do i leave no trace...how do i assure the things that need to be taken care of here are...how do i just vanish...

i think about disappearing and i wonder could i really do it...

how can i just let go of who i am...how can i walk away from those i love...how do i just leave them with questions...

i think about disappearing and the idea feels so good...

but how can i be sure that i'm not running from who i am, but rather discovering who i truly am...how do i make sure who i am doesn't follow me, doesn't latch on to me with its sharp claws and keep me from blossoming...

i think about disappearing and i know i'm not strong enough...not strong enough to change who i am...not strong enough to explore the possibility of who i could be...not strong enough to let go of the self that has become a type of security blanket...

i think about disappearing...