0 A Simple Touch

i watch as you sleep

the fear burns deep within me

will you vanish at my touch

though my eyes are closed

i can feel you watching me

my body aches for your touch

---

My latest exploration of poetic form...a sedoka...not so sure it works, but it was a lot easier than trying to create a palindrome.  Besides, the word looked a bit like sudoku, so I couldn't help myself.

0 genuine hope

The clock's ticking echoed through her brain.  She sat back in her chair, closed her eyes and let out a sigh.  This is crazy.  She thought to herself.  Her fingers moved caressingly over the folder that sat on the desk.  Never before had she felt the need to peek.  Peek, a sigh of laugh escaped her lips as she shook her head, please.  He had invaded her thoughts constantly.  No matter what she tried to do to distract herself, he weaseled his way into her thoughts.  She wanted more than anything to know him--know everything and anything about him.  The folder wouldn't answer all of her questions, but it was a place to start.  

She shook her head.  This isn't just crazy;it is absolutely insane.  I should just cancel.  Her chest tightened at the thought.  While a part of her rationalized it was the smartest thing to do, especially after engaging in activities outside of the research center, she so enjoyed the way he seemed to make her feel.  She had smiled and laughed.  And they were completely genuine.  It was selfish of her to want more of that.  Canceling would provider her with an opportunity to get to know him outside of the folder and outside of the touch.  Eventually, they would touch.  Eventually, things would change.  But it would be so nice to just get to know someone for once.  

The knock at the door disturbed her thoughts.  "Yes," she called out.

Marc opened the door and popped his head in.  "I just wanted to remind you that your appointment is in fifteen minutes." 

She swallowed back the words that loomed on the surface of her tongue.  "Excellent.  Thank you, Marc."  Marc smiled and closed the door behind him leaving her with the sound of the clock ticking away.  Another sigh escaped her.  That too was something she found herself doing a lot of over the past few days.  She looked up at the clock, fifteen minutes.  A smile pierced her lips.  She leaned forward, picked up the folder and filed it back in the drawer where it belonged.  Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll go another session without touching.

0 awkward silence

"So, that wasn't so bad was it?"  Jaycie waved goodbye to James's friends and turned toward him. 

"I think your definition of so bad and my definition are slightly different."  She watched as his brows raise and his lips twitched into a small grimace.  Who was she kidding?  The truth was that she had finally--for once in her life--felt normal.  Yes, her nerves had wreaked havoc on her throughout the entire evening and would continue to do so for the next several days as she played everything over and over again in mind, but she had smiled.  A smile for her was a rare and potentially extinct creature.  Strange how since meeting James only yesterday she had smiled more than probably her entire lifetime.  

A sigh escaped her lips.  "It wasn't so bad.  I actually had a very nice time."  He smiled and gestured with his arm for her to begin walking.  She started off in the direction of her car, acutely aware of his presence next to her.  "Your friends are very nice."

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.  I would say you made quite an impression on my friends, as well."  She felt the tightening in her chest as her brain twisted his words.  He must have noticed the look on her face, because he was quick to expand his statement.  "Lucy is usually very quite around new people, but with you, it was as if she had known you forever.  And Marc," they came to a stop in front of her car, "well let's just say he definitely enjoyed matching whits with you.  All in all, I'd say you fit in quite nicely, though I had no doubts that you would."

She smiled.  "Thank you."

"Your welcome."

They stood there for a moment in silence, save for the slight sound of her car door unlocking as she pressed the button.  Jaycie stared at the keys in her hand.  It had been a long time since someone had walked her to her car.  She shook the erupting thought from her mind.  This is crazy.  Your acting like this is a date.  And it is most definitely not a date.  She looked up from her keys to find James studying her.  Her heart squeezed reacting against her will to his gaze.  Jaycie cleared her throat.  "So, I'll see you Thursday, then."

"Yeah.  Thursday."  For a moment, it looked like he wanted to say something else, but he just smiled and took a step back.  

A small pang of disappointment at his retreat took her by surprise.  "Okay, then.  Bye."  She turned, open her door and climbed in.  He raised his hand, with a slight wave, she heard him say goodbye as she pulled the door close.  He took another step back as she started her car and put it in gear.  As she started to make her way out of the parking lot, she glanced back in her rear view mirror to find him still standing there were she had left him.  She smiled at him in the mirror, a mixture of sadness and excitement mingling in her veins.  Until Thursday, she thought. 

3 Transformation

deep in his bones he felt the time was near
the clock ticked like an itch he could not scratch
this burden he carried drove him crazy.  burning with fear,
he drew in a breath thinking with a grimace of the impending rematch

the clock ticked.  like an itch he could not scratch
he felt his muscles twitch out of his control
he drew in a breath.  thinking, with a grimace, of the impending rematch
and the constant fight for his soul

he felt his muscles twitch.  out of his control,
his body flung itself out of the chair;
and the constant fight for his soul
began. as he stumbled to his feet, he felt the despair

his body flung itself out of the chair
his reaction to the pull of the night's moon
began.  as he stumbled to his feet, he felt the despair
from within--how he wished he were immune

his reaction to the pull of the night's moon--
that which conjured such pain--brought to his lips a cry
from within--how he wished he were immune
rather than cursed by the phase of the moon that would soon grace night sky

that which conjured such pain, brought to his lips a cry
as his body contorted and reshaped.  he wished to be free
rather than cursed by the phase of the moon that would soon grace night sky.
he could feel the change from the poison no one could see

as his body contorted and reshaped, he wished to be free;
this burden he carried drove him crazy.  burning with fear
he could feel the change from the poison no one could see
deep in his bones.  he felt the time was near

---

in an attempt to continue to expand my horizons, challenge myself, and work outside of my comfort zone, i located a new avenue of inspiration.  Three Word Wednesday (3WW) provided just the provocation.  that coupled with playing with new poetic forms makes for some interesting results.  [3WW=>grimace, phase, stumble(d)]

0 Torn Asunder

Who am I?  I can't help but wonder
if there is more to me than I might see;
should I tare myself asunder
would I be able to set my hidden self free?

if there is more to me, than I might see
the point and the purpose of my existence;
would I be able to set my hidden self free
escaping the internal turmoil and resistance?

The point and the purpose of my existence
is this crazy mystery for me to solve;
escaping the internal turmoil and resistance,
is that how my life should revolve?

Is this crazy mystery for me to solve?
should I tare myself asunder?
is that how my life should revolve?
Who am I?  I can't help but wonder.

0 nose to nose

She drew in a deep breath.  The internal battle that ensued from such a simple question was crazy.  While her mind battled with the anxiety and fears, she thought about the idea of letting go of it all and maybe for one tiny moment in time she could feel normal.  She longed to say yes, but just the idea caused her chest to tighten.  James seemed to read the impending no on her face.  As she opened her mouth to speak, he leaned forward again, looking as though he were trying to come up with some other argument for why she should join them. 

What ever they were going to say was cut off by the arrival of the waitress.  "So," the waitress looked from her to James, "can I get you something to drink while the you look at the menu?" 

For a moment, she was caught off guard by the smile that pierced James's face that she almost missed his reply.  "Actually, we were just about to join my friends over there.  If you could add the tab to that table's bill, that would be perfect."  

Before she could say a word the waitress nodded and disappeared from the table.  She watched the waitress's retreating form in a bit of a daze.  Her attention was drawn back to the table as James stood, picked up her drink and nodded for her to follow him.  She stood to follow him before her brain caught up with her.  "Wait."

He turned back to her; his lips pursed to one side.  "Look, you are already out.  It would a shame to waste a perfectly good evening.  You have to eat.  Do you really want for me to rattle on and on with reasons why you should join us?  Because I will.  I can be very tenacious."

She smiled at him.  She couldn't help it.  He had a way of making her forget herself.  The battle going on inside of her seemed to settle.  "Is that a nice way of telling me your stubborn?"  

"Maybe."  He gestured toward the table.  "Ready?"

"What do you do?"

He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face.  "Hun?"

"I believe you mentioned our cover story was that you met me at work.  It might help to know where you work in order to keep up appearances."

He turned back toward her.  "Good point.  I own a bowling alley book store."

Now it was her turn to look puzzled.  A bowling alley book store was definitely an odd combination. "Seriously?"

He shook his head.  "No.  While it has always been a dream of mine, I'm not really sure the world is ready for the unique combo.  So I settled for half.  I own Thrice Told Tales, a small book store."

"Twice Told Tales?  Why does that sound so familiar?"

"It's possible you've driven by it before, but I'd guess that you've probably heard the radio show."  He looked a bit sheepish as he mentioned the radio show, as though he were embarrassed about it.

She began to shake her head, when she realized what he was talking about.  "Your Just James."  He sighed at the statement and gave a slight nod.  "Wow."

"Wow good?  Wow bad?"  

If he only knew the number of times she had fallen asleep to the sound of his voice and the way it entered her dreams.  She prayed the warmth she felt in her cheeks did not give away the direction of her thoughts. "Wow good."  She did not want to elaborate any further.

He nodded, "well then, we ready now?"

She glanced over to the table where is friends sat and let out a deep breath.  "Not really, but."  She shrugged off the rest of her thought not really sure where it would take her.  

She turned to start walking toward the table, when he spoke, "wait."  She stopped and turned not realizing how close behind her he was.  The stood face to face.  He was so close she could feel the warmth of his breath, smell the scent of him.  For a moment they seemed to just stand there frozen.  The world seemed to evaporate around them and she could help but think what it would be like if he just leaned in a bit more. The thought woke her from her trance.  She knew exactly what would happen and she stepped back adding a good bit of space between them.  She didn't say anything, just waited for him to speak.  

James shook his head slightly as though he too had been caught in a similar trance.  "What does the J in J.C. stand for?"

She smiled and shook her head.  "It stands for Jaycie.  J-A-Y-C-I-E.  Somewhere along the way I got tired of correcting people and my name turned into initials.  I have been toying with the idea of legally adding a middle name that begins with a C, but I have been having trouble deciding on one.  So, we ready now?"

With the sexiest little grin, he nodded and walked with her toward the people infested table.

0 Jiminy Cricket

i've been thinking about hiring a conscious--someone to motivate me and keep me going--someone who will force me to do all the things i lack the desire to do:  dishes, dusting, exercise, not nap, laundry, socialize, take vitamins, go to the doctor, get my eyes checked, quit my job, find a new job, convince me that medication might be a good solution, laugh, cry, clean my bathrooms, wash my car, eat healthy, eat, vacuum, finish reading the five or so books i've started, smile...

maybe what i really want is someone who will do all those things for me.  technically not everything on the list is something i can expect someone else to do, but quite a bit could be done by someone else.  either way i'd need to feel motivated enough to hire someone:  housekeeper, butler, life-coach.  and i wouldn't need any of those things if i didn't lack motivation.