0 Imaginary

I can't even begin to tell you how many different loves I've had.  There have been so many times when I've managed to find myself in the arms of someone who somehow wants me.  I do, however, tend to follow a very similar pattern with all of these loves.  I push them away, hold them at arms length or sometimes further.  And they act one of two ways.  They either give me my space or they pull harder.  And everytime I find my way back.  I allow myself to accept what they are offering.  I let myself believe that I am worth being with.  It is usually about that time that I let them fade away.  My journey with them comes to an end and I move on to the next one.  I have had many loves.  It just so happens that none of them were real.

0 i wish for someone

i wish for...
someone who can see me...
someone who can help me see me...
is that too much to ask?
how long do I have to wait?
is that someone even out there?

i wish for...
someone who will hold me...
someone whose embrace can ease the pain...
am i asking for a fantasy?
can i hope to find him soon?
does he even exist?

i wish for...
someone who will open himself up to me...
someone who can help me to open up...
is that more than i should want?
might he be in my near future?
is that someone real?

i wish for someone...
who will help me feel whole...
someone who will help me feel.

0 string of profanity

The silence was defining.  She tried to ignore the fact that everyone stopped talking to listen to her speak.  It didn't make sense really.  No one else had managed to cause such undivided attention and it wasn't as if you had raised her voice and commanded it.  She said her peace with a stutter her or there.  Then everyone went back to what they were doing. 

Things continued like she had never opened up her mouth, just as it should have.  Unfortunately it was not that easy for her.  The anxiety and discomfort attacked like a tidal wave.  The desire to up and run were overwhelming.  Somehow she managed to keep the desire to evacuate at bay.  But the fear that her discomfort was plain as the freckles on her cheeks tugged at her.

As everyone finally began to disperse and she found herself able to escape, the fear and anxiety remained well intact.  A string of profanity directed at herself spewed from her lips as she sat behind the wheel of her car.  It had been sometime since she had felt this intensity and the need to push it out of herself through cursing.  She was lucky in that though the words always erupted with little control to stop them, they always bided their time until she was away from others.

She feared the day that she would not have that control.

0 Happy Mother's Day

Front of Card:

Hopes and Dreams
All wrapped up in
Patience and in
Pride that
You have shown in me

Memories of happy times
Overflow in my mind
Times you
Held me tight
Even when I pushed
Rest assure you were there
'
Strengthening me

Driving me
Always with
Your love


Inside of Card:

I wrote the words on the front last year while I was supervising a small group of students in the art room. When the day ended I took it with me and placed it above the visor in my car figuring I had several day to finish it. The card has sat there since then; time escaped me and I ended up buying a card instead. I it pulled down a couple of months ago and read over the words that still ring true, not an easy task through the tears.

Anyway, I figured it was time to finish it. So I put my meager artistic ability to work on the front. The magnolia tree already bloomed this year; it has always amazed me how with in a breath they bloom and then vanish. Their smell was intoxicating as usual and I couldn’t help but think of you and how much you use to enjoy the fleeting blooms.

I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day!!

0 Invasion of Senses

the subtle scent wafted by
intoxicating my senses
a smile pierced my lips unconsciously
my eyes closed as the smell lingered
an image erupted unwillingly
him and I leaning close
wrapped together in a warm embrace
my body relaxed back reflexively
into nothing, always nothing

0 Echoes

Echoes resound around me
colliding against one another
pushing their way back to me
forced to hear the words
ringing in my ears over and over
my breath sucked from me
draining me of any resolve
i'm haunted by the words
echoes of my heart and fears

0 At bay

She could feel her resolve slipping.  It was getting harder to contain the emotions that seemed to be bubbling up from nowhere.  They didn't notice.  Or if they did they ignore it.  Maybe they perceived it to be just laziness on her part.  She gritted her teeth and leaned her head against the cold metal surface.  She willed the feelings to subside, to hold off a bit longer.  All she needed to do was make it through the next hour or so before she could allow it to consume her.

Taking in a deep breath she forced the feeling down as she pushed away from the case and continued to work.  There were times when she could pinpoint the thing that caused these feelings to surface.  Unfortunately, the past three years or maybe it was four by now, she had been bombarded by emotions that she could usually control.  As she shifted her attention to the other case and began the wrap-up process, another wave hit her.  Once again she closed her eyes and willed the feelings to temperarily subside.  There was a part of her that wanted to tell them she wasn't feeling well, that she need to leave.  But she knew that she would then have to explain, something she wish very much not to do.  Plus if she was sure she could contain the tears that were trying desperately to escape.  So she just continued on with her inner turmoil, the war she knew she would never win.