6 Treading Tears

Treading Tears.egg on Aviary.

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Treading Tears

This salty ocean threatens to consume
where ripples of emotions build to crests
untamed and wild at times, then soft and mild.
I find myself forever treading waves
forever lost within this tempest's snare.
I long for your embrace to hold me safe
to soothe the raging waters deep within
to quiet suffocating thoughts and fears.

I long for you as always, but today
as into burning flames I stare with tears,
Poseidon's stormy wrath is fierce and strong.
The lights do flicker with another year
of celebration passing by once more.
Where previously both our names did ring,
I stand alone my lips remaining still.

Your hug is all I wish for with this breath
a hopeless wish, but still I cling to it,
my life vest filled with fading memories.
This salty ocean threatens to consume
as I do try to tread these silent tears.

---

my intent was blank verse (partially because i wasn't in the mood for rhyming, but) mainly i figured having to conform to a structure would help me from living the title of this poem. i'm filling a little iffy on the blank verse (particularly with 'life vest'), but i've decided not to over-'stress' myself this time with trying for perfection. the form served its purpose for me well enough.


inspiration for this piece came in part from dVerse~Poets Pub Poetics--The Watering Hole (hosted by Sheila Moore), which i unfortunately missed. and in part by this evening's impending song, which i had thought to end this poem with (a tricky one to write in iambic pentameter--had to break words over multiple lines), but its inclusion would defeat the purpose of choosing to use a form for this poem.


this is my contribution for tonight's OpenLinkNight over at dVerse~Poets Pub where a vast offering of talent writers come to share their love of poetry.

0 back...but not running at 100%

i have not quite been myself since returning from my self-imposed exile from my online self.  i most definitely have abandoned the blog rules is set for ...don't open...don't throw away...  as a means to keep myself in check.  they were meant to be a form of motivation and i think in the beginning they worked well.  even at the one year mark, they were holding strong.  but they don't seem to provide the same push as they once did. 

maybe it's not them...in fact, it is probably not them, but me.  i thought maybe to blame summer and the lack of routine that it brings about, but that would be a farce.  (i really just wanted to use the word farce...i mean when am i ever really going to use the word farce.  it is an interesting word...not one i hear that often.)  i could use writer's block as an excuse, but really i don't feel blocked...just uninspired and uncaring.

i'm scared to abandon my rules completely.  outside of the month of June, i've managed to maintain a descent number of posts even if i break the 'rules' in the process.  it's just if i completely forgo the 'rules' i fear ...don't open...don't throw away... will soon see its final days.

my purpose for starting this blog has not changed.  my need to keep this part of myself alive is essential.  i just wish i could figure out a way to do that while removing the pressure and anxiety that has erupted when i truly opened myself up to the blogging world just under a year ago.  maybe i should have kept ...don't open...don't throw away... under the radar.  but there is definitely something to be said for knowing that there are people out there who for some crazy reason think you have something worth reading. 

i don't know.  i guess only time will tell.  for now, i will forgive my disregard of the 'rules'.  and revisit things when September rolls around and summer comes to an end. 

6 Flawed Love

Flawed Love.egg on Aviary.

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Flawed Love

I thought you could love me for who I am
and so I hid her from your sight.

if I could explain the logic to this,
I'd draw you a beautiful diagram
outlining my perfectly flawed thoughts
for I know they're flawed
and
       irrational
and
       me
these perfectly flawed thoughts are who I am;
and so even if I could explain
I wouldn't
for I've hidden her from you.

(wow talk about some crazy logic)

but it doesn't really matter
you see
the problem is I didn't take into account
I would want
                     you to love me
                                             for who I am
and now I'm lost
uncertain how to unearth her
uncertain
              whether you can still love me for who I am
uncertain
              of me and whether I'm still worth loving

is it wrong that I hope you'll hear this plea
and tell me you knew me all along
is it wrong that I hope I'm a horrible liar
and you'll tell me you have loved me all along
that you were just waiting for me
to be okay
                  with me

I thought you could love me for who I am
and so I hid her from your sight
not realizing it wasn't so much about you
as it was about the fact that
I thought I
                 could never love me
                                                 for who I am

I'm still working on that,
loving me for who I am.
I'm just hoping that
maybe we could work on it
                                           together.

---

i am currently working on desensitizing myself to my own voice...and some how i thought dVerse ~ Poets Pub might be the best outlet with their OpenLinkNight.  today marks week two.  they opened their doors last week and i entered with a bit of trepidation...but the atmosphere is quite welcoming and fun...with a lot of amazing poets stepping up to the stage.  if you get a chance stop in and take in some wonderful poetry.

2 The Right Fit

I watch as he slips his feet in
his gaze trained on the ground as he shuffles forward
giggling laughter bubbles through the air
while he claims he's the rightful owner
of the over sized pair of shoes

what else can i do but smile back at him
and wonder
how many different pairs will he try on
over the course of his lifetime?

the tattler; the soccer player
the brown-noser; the teaser
the teased; the jock
the nerd; the best friend
the liar; the heart breaker
the heart broken; the trusted
the backstabber; the joker
the player; the lover

how many will he try on because they look cool in the display?
how many will he put back in the box and never look at again?
how many will he come back to wavering on if they're him?
how many will he buy and return when the blisters appear?
how many will he purchase for special occasions only?
how many will he regret and what will he do with that knowledge?
how many will he wear down to the sole?

I look into his smiling eyes and can't help but smile back.

With so many pairs to try on
for size
for fit
for style
for comfort
for purpose
for need
I can't help but wonder
how each pair will define who he will become.

4 Another Step Closer

Another Step Closer.egg on Aviary.

---

Another Step Closer

I stand here on the corner
gazing into the window
and I have to remind myself to breathe.
This is not one of my usual haunts;
It’s atmosphere is meant for social types,
and well that’s not really me.
I know I can do this;
It’s just the open sign gives me pause;
Its bright red glow is like a stop light
I so itch for it to turn amber
then green
but it won’t
would it really matter if it did?
I sit down on the curb
shaking my head at myself
this is stupid
so stupid
I’m like a child
I need someone to hold my hand as I cross the street
kicking and screaming like it were a trip to the dentist
the thing is
I want to go
I want to enter those doors and feel the warmth
of home
the comfort of an old shoe
the embrace of a good friend
I’m not expecting everyone to stop
look up
and yell “Norm” in greeting
one ‘cause I’m not a Norm and
two because I’m not one for making an entrance
or being the center of attention
I’m more a hide in the corner
type of gal
but that’s part of the problem isn’t it
I need to hire myself a conscience
well maybe not Jiminy Cricket exactly,
but his cousin
motivation
imagine
my own personal little life coach sitting on my shoulder
whispering words of encouragement
“You can do it.”
“That’s right, just one more step and you’re there.”
“Everything is okay, just just breathe. That’s it, just breathe.”
“Go ahead, no one’s going to laugh at you. I promise.”
“See you knew exactly what you were talking about the whole time.”
“Perfect. You’re absolutely perfect.”
Oh, and my favorite catch phrase of all;
“It’s all good.”
But there is no such thing
no such comfort as a mini life coach to hold my hand
this is stupid
so stupid
it’s not like I don’t know the people inside
I have felt the warm of their acceptance
the comfort of their open arms
Their smiles and praise are not foreign to me
I stand back up and take a step closer
This is crazy
What am I waiting for
A personal invitation
normal people do not act like this
a cloud of fear and rejection
of being judged and found wanting
does not follow people around
that is except for me
by now you’d think I’d give up
move on
except my inadequacies and become a hermit
unfortunately giving in is not an option
I take a step forward
maybe I’ll make it there before last call
that would be good
this way I can excuse everyone’s leaving as a result of closing time
as opposed to me
this is stupid
so stupid
I can do this… I can do this… I can do this
The words echoes in my head with every step
‘til I’m just outside the door
‘til I can see my own reflection in the glass
I can do this
I take a moment
adjust my mask
cover up all signs of fear and paranoia
tuck away the last signs of budding tears and nerves
and then
I remind myself to breathe
as I step across the threshold

---

i don't know about this one. so many thoughts and ideas were going through my head...i'm not sure i hit everything or that it came out just right.  i suppose it is okay for now...'cause i really don't want to miss last call over at dVerse ~ Poets Pub, after all today is the opening night celebration with lots of extraordinary talent...if i'm lucky i'll find a nice cozy corner to read in.

0 I can't breathe

I am a shambles;
my outside composure on the brink of destruction.
I can't breathe
as the tears threaten to expose me.
I need to escape,
but it is impossible to outrun myself.
I long for peace
as my thoughts wreak havoc on my internal balance.
I am hopeless,
for how can I hope when it's me I have to rely on.
I...

0 Intoxicating Thoughts

if you are quiet enough;
if you listen hard enough;
if you open your mind enough;
you might just hear them.
their whispers are intoxicating;
speaking in tongues
that understand the taste of words;
that understand the feel of words;
that embody the essence of words.

they know nothing of boundaries;
they care not if you are listening;
they exist without fear or hope;
and yet they push the boundaries
intent on grabbing your attention
provoking fear and hope within you.
if you open your mind enough;
if you listen hard enough;
if you are quite enough;
you might just recognize your own thoughts.

---

sometimes i don't ask my muse where she is taking me; i simply follow along blinding hoping things will make sense in the end. the verdict is currently out on this one.