0 i wish i could just disappear...

i can feel it...i'm on a downward spiral...spinning faster and faster with every turn...i have no grasp...nothing to hold on to...my breath is being pulled out of me through this whirlwind...

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my thoughts have traveled lately to the idea of disappearing...just up and leaving...going off somewhere where i can breathe, wrap my mind around things, and recreate myself...

i think about disappearing and not being found...

how do i leave no trace...how do i assure the things that need to be taken care of here are...how do i just vanish...

i think about disappearing and i wonder could i really do it...

how can i just let go of who i am...how can i walk away from those i love...how do i just leave them with questions...

i think about disappearing and the idea feels so good...

but how can i be sure that i'm not running from who i am, but rather discovering who i truly am...how do i make sure who i am doesn't follow me, doesn't latch on to me with its sharp claws and keep me from blossoming...

i think about disappearing and i know i'm not strong enough...not strong enough to change who i am...not strong enough to explore the possibility of who i could be...not strong enough to let go of the self that has become a type of security blanket...

i think about disappearing...

0 haiku

a storm is brewing
i can feel it in my bones
one to match our pain

0 Perpetual Fixation

to obsess is to breathe
natural and without thought
the mind festers on words spoke
or not spoken
the heart clenches at actions took
or not taken
like an asthma attack
hitting suddenly
wreaking havoc on the body
obsession takes hold
wringing me dry
leaving me exhausted
to obsess is to breathe
a natural and debilitating disease

6 ataxia curse

Watching Jake walk is like watching a drunken sailor.  The walls seem to magically move toward him, nudging him back into line as his devolving gait takes him off course.  And though I do my best to hide it, my heart sinks with the knowledge that as his disease ripens it will continue to eat away at his nervous system until walking is not an issue he will need to contend with. 

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This post was inspired by Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>gait, nudge(-e+ing), ripen(s)].  These three words brought back a memory that left quite an impression...I suppose that's why I locked it up in my memory center.

0 Methods to Soothe Raging Emotions

gritted teeth
hold tears at bay
a flimsy dam of sticks
bombarded by raging emotions
longing to pour freely

rioting music
course throughout
a volatile tidal wave
melding with raging emotions
longing to find rhythm

breath moves
slowly in, slowly out
a soft gentle breeze
releases the raging emotions
longing to sufficate

0 Rushing Love

she whispers softly
her heart tightened in her chest
words she felt just flowed
finally the time had come
raging like a waterfall

0 voiceless...part I

"Is something wrong?" 

I could see the uncertainty in her eyes.  She was scared to say what was on her mind.  After a small sigh, she lifted her hands and moved her fingers swiftly like the faster she got it out the less it would hurt.  "My uncle doesn't like me."  It took a moment for me to internalized what she had said. 

My fingers instantly began to move without thought.  "What would make you say that?" 

The little girl reached up, grasped my sleeved and pulled me closer.  Unexpectedly she leaned in and put her lips next to my ear.  "Sometimes after he tucks me in and thinks I'm asleep, he stands in the doorway and cries."  The momentary excitement over the fact that she had finally spoken after over six months of self-imposed silence was dampened by her words.

My heart sank as she pulled away and I looked into her glassy blue eyes.  I shook my head and signed, "Sweetie, your uncle loves you very much.  He just misses your daddy and mommy a lot."