5 Rape (of Innocence)

the tarnished halo
marred by his need for power
lies next to the one he stole

she kneels down in prayer
searching for answers and peace
robbed of her choice to abstain

---

still toying with sedoka...still don't feel as though I have hit the correct feel of this particular poetic form...but that won't stop me from trying or enjoying the creation process.  inspiration for this creation came from Three Word Wednesday.  [3WW=>abstain, halo, prayer]  First thought that came to mind upon seeing the words was Big & Rich's song Holy Water...so I went with it.

0 encounter #52...session 2...begins

[She's seated when he enters.  She looks up when she hears the door open.]

Him:  I brought you a cup of coffee.

[He walks to where she is sitting and holds out the coffee to her.  She looks at his hand and then at him without moving.]

Him:  Oh, sorry.

[He places the drink on the table beside her and sits down across from her.  She smiles at him as she picks up the cup.]

Her:  Thank you.

[They both sip quietly from their drinks.  She puts the coffee back on the side table.]

Her:  So... / Him:  I...

[Both begin to speak at once than stop.  She gestures for him to go first.]

Him:  I was a bit worried you might cancel.
Her:  Why?
Him:  Well, I wasn't sure if the other night was breaking some kind of protocol for your research.
Her:  Well, I admit that I did think about it, but technically as long as there was no physical contact there really is no break in protocol.  I did record the incident, but you aren't the first volunteer that I have bumped into and conversed with outside of these four walls.  Though you are the first that I have had dinner with.
Him:  That's good.  The not breaking protocol part I mean, not the first dinner date.  Though, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was happy about the dinner.

[She smiled and shook her head at him.]

Her:  So... / Him:  Why...

[Both begin to speak at once than stop.  

Her:  Please.

[Again, she gestures for him to go first.]

Him:  Why would talking not make a difference where touching would?

Her:  Um, because the experiences visualized during the physical contact is an integral part of the research.

Him:  Yeah, but couldn't we just touch again, here?

[He gestured to the room around them.]

Her:  Yes, but the first experience and the second experience wouldn't be the same.  For control purposes, the protocol requires all contact to take place within the facility.  

Him:  Things change?

Her:  Yes, every time.  It's not about seeing the future, so much as seeing a possible future.  When we know what the future holds, we tend to make changes and adjustments to alter certain, usually negative, experiences.  This study focuses on how changing a small detail like not answering a phone call might effect the future and how changing a larger detail like an action that leads to an argument impacts the future.  That's why after each physical contact, we debrief separately and then come back and discuss what alteration will try to change our reaction to.

Him:  Can not answering a phone call really have that big of an effect?

Her:  You would be surprised?

[She took another sip of her coffee.]

Him:  See now here I thought you were using this as a way to find someone with whom you could have a happily ever after with.

[She shook her head.]

Her:  Already found him.  But my 'gift' can strain any relationship.  He is now happily married with two beautiful little girls.

Him:  I thought you said you never had a boyfriend?

Her:  Actually, I believe I said I did not have a boyfriend.  That does not mean I wasn't foolish enough to try a couple of times.  

[She smiled and laughed.]

Her:  My first boyfriend was in high school.  I broke up with him when he tried to kiss me.  Dating in high school didn't go to well after that.

Him:  But you did date again?

Her:  I was naive to try dating in college.  That was a joke.  That was probably when I decided not to date, ever.  A couple of years after college, though, I met a guy who was very persuasive and when we finally did touch, the future was picturesque.

Him:  So what happened?

Her:  I'm not sure how to explain it.  He's actually probably the reason I started this study.  Knowing the future isn't all it is cracked up to be.  It gets tiring and boring.  You make little changes just to see what will happen.  Eventually, while our future showed us together, we weren't has happy as we had been during the first foreseen future.  He could see it in the visions and I could feel it.  Things became strained.  We decided it was best to call things quits.

Him:  So, how long did you date?

Her:  Just over a year.

Him:  And that was it?  Never dated again?

[She shook her head.  They sat quietly for a few moments, each of them nursing their coffee.]

Her:  So... / Him:  Do people...

[They both began to speak again.  This time he gestured for her to go first.  She sighed.]

Her:  Look, it's not that I don't mind explaining some of this stuff to you.  Though, I'm not really use to or particularly comfortable talking so much about myself. 

[She shook her head as she trailed off.]

Her:  I understand if you are not comfortable with the prospect of seeing the future, so to speak.  You wouldn't be the first person to steer clear of my touch.  But you did volunteer for this.  If you've changed your mind...

Him:  I would have thought people would be jumping at an opportunity to see the future.

Her:  You're changing the subject.

[He looked down at his cup watching his finger trace circles around the rim.]

Him:  I know.  I'm sorry.  I haven't changed my mind.  Not at all.  I just guess that considering that touching is as good as having a full blown relationship, I just wanted to get to know you a bit before we dive in and get...down and dirt, so to speak.

[He looked up at her as he said 'so to speak'.  She smiled at him.  He returned her smile.]

Him:  So not everybody jumps at the opportunity to know there future?

[She stared at him for a few moments.]

Her:  No, but even if they did, the touch doesn't quite work like that.

0 Follower, Friend and the Like

I find myself exploring new worlds

invading the thoughts and idea of others

hoping to gleam some sense of belonging

creating a connection through similar methods of expression

some I dismiss and move on with them none-the-wiser

others I visit over and over with them none-the-wiser

I find myself exploring new worlds

moving beyond my own thoughts and ideas

hoping to gleam some type of inspiration

something I can connect to that is outside of myself

sometimes there is nothing I like so I move on, them none-the-wiser

other times there is much I like so I visit, them none-the wiser

the anonymity is exhilarating

a breath of fresh air I can't get enough of
but
I itch to truly connect
I wish to participate
no longer stand on the outside
like I am forced to in my real world
but
to put myself out there
a follower
a friend
torments me as it does in my real world
the anonymity is exasperating
a taste of poison I can't get rid of

I find myself exploring new worlds
enjoying the thoughts and ideas that others share
hoping to gleam some form of belonging
creating a connection through a comment or two might be a start
some with words of encouragement before I move on

others with words of praise and enjoyment each time I visit

I find myself exploring a world

where anonymity can roam free

being a follower, a friend and the like

does not equal exposure and torment as it does in my real world

and yet

social anxiety follows me into cyberspace

0 A Simple Touch

i watch as you sleep

the fear burns deep within me

will you vanish at my touch

though my eyes are closed

i can feel you watching me

my body aches for your touch

---

My latest exploration of poetic form...a sedoka...not so sure it works, but it was a lot easier than trying to create a palindrome.  Besides, the word looked a bit like sudoku, so I couldn't help myself.

0 genuine hope

The clock's ticking echoed through her brain.  She sat back in her chair, closed her eyes and let out a sigh.  This is crazy.  She thought to herself.  Her fingers moved caressingly over the folder that sat on the desk.  Never before had she felt the need to peek.  Peek, a sigh of laugh escaped her lips as she shook her head, please.  He had invaded her thoughts constantly.  No matter what she tried to do to distract herself, he weaseled his way into her thoughts.  She wanted more than anything to know him--know everything and anything about him.  The folder wouldn't answer all of her questions, but it was a place to start.  

She shook her head.  This isn't just crazy;it is absolutely insane.  I should just cancel.  Her chest tightened at the thought.  While a part of her rationalized it was the smartest thing to do, especially after engaging in activities outside of the research center, she so enjoyed the way he seemed to make her feel.  She had smiled and laughed.  And they were completely genuine.  It was selfish of her to want more of that.  Canceling would provider her with an opportunity to get to know him outside of the folder and outside of the touch.  Eventually, they would touch.  Eventually, things would change.  But it would be so nice to just get to know someone for once.  

The knock at the door disturbed her thoughts.  "Yes," she called out.

Marc opened the door and popped his head in.  "I just wanted to remind you that your appointment is in fifteen minutes." 

She swallowed back the words that loomed on the surface of her tongue.  "Excellent.  Thank you, Marc."  Marc smiled and closed the door behind him leaving her with the sound of the clock ticking away.  Another sigh escaped her.  That too was something she found herself doing a lot of over the past few days.  She looked up at the clock, fifteen minutes.  A smile pierced her lips.  She leaned forward, picked up the folder and filed it back in the drawer where it belonged.  Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll go another session without touching.

0 awkward silence

"So, that wasn't so bad was it?"  Jaycie waved goodbye to James's friends and turned toward him. 

"I think your definition of so bad and my definition are slightly different."  She watched as his brows raise and his lips twitched into a small grimace.  Who was she kidding?  The truth was that she had finally--for once in her life--felt normal.  Yes, her nerves had wreaked havoc on her throughout the entire evening and would continue to do so for the next several days as she played everything over and over again in mind, but she had smiled.  A smile for her was a rare and potentially extinct creature.  Strange how since meeting James only yesterday she had smiled more than probably her entire lifetime.  

A sigh escaped her lips.  "It wasn't so bad.  I actually had a very nice time."  He smiled and gestured with his arm for her to begin walking.  She started off in the direction of her car, acutely aware of his presence next to her.  "Your friends are very nice."

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.  I would say you made quite an impression on my friends, as well."  She felt the tightening in her chest as her brain twisted his words.  He must have noticed the look on her face, because he was quick to expand his statement.  "Lucy is usually very quite around new people, but with you, it was as if she had known you forever.  And Marc," they came to a stop in front of her car, "well let's just say he definitely enjoyed matching whits with you.  All in all, I'd say you fit in quite nicely, though I had no doubts that you would."

She smiled.  "Thank you."

"Your welcome."

They stood there for a moment in silence, save for the slight sound of her car door unlocking as she pressed the button.  Jaycie stared at the keys in her hand.  It had been a long time since someone had walked her to her car.  She shook the erupting thought from her mind.  This is crazy.  Your acting like this is a date.  And it is most definitely not a date.  She looked up from her keys to find James studying her.  Her heart squeezed reacting against her will to his gaze.  Jaycie cleared her throat.  "So, I'll see you Thursday, then."

"Yeah.  Thursday."  For a moment, it looked like he wanted to say something else, but he just smiled and took a step back.  

A small pang of disappointment at his retreat took her by surprise.  "Okay, then.  Bye."  She turned, open her door and climbed in.  He raised his hand, with a slight wave, she heard him say goodbye as she pulled the door close.  He took another step back as she started her car and put it in gear.  As she started to make her way out of the parking lot, she glanced back in her rear view mirror to find him still standing there were she had left him.  She smiled at him in the mirror, a mixture of sadness and excitement mingling in her veins.  Until Thursday, she thought. 

3 Transformation

deep in his bones he felt the time was near
the clock ticked like an itch he could not scratch
this burden he carried drove him crazy.  burning with fear,
he drew in a breath thinking with a grimace of the impending rematch

the clock ticked.  like an itch he could not scratch
he felt his muscles twitch out of his control
he drew in a breath.  thinking, with a grimace, of the impending rematch
and the constant fight for his soul

he felt his muscles twitch.  out of his control,
his body flung itself out of the chair;
and the constant fight for his soul
began. as he stumbled to his feet, he felt the despair

his body flung itself out of the chair
his reaction to the pull of the night's moon
began.  as he stumbled to his feet, he felt the despair
from within--how he wished he were immune

his reaction to the pull of the night's moon--
that which conjured such pain--brought to his lips a cry
from within--how he wished he were immune
rather than cursed by the phase of the moon that would soon grace night sky

that which conjured such pain, brought to his lips a cry
as his body contorted and reshaped.  he wished to be free
rather than cursed by the phase of the moon that would soon grace night sky.
he could feel the change from the poison no one could see

as his body contorted and reshaped, he wished to be free;
this burden he carried drove him crazy.  burning with fear
he could feel the change from the poison no one could see
deep in his bones.  he felt the time was near

---

in an attempt to continue to expand my horizons, challenge myself, and work outside of my comfort zone, i located a new avenue of inspiration.  Three Word Wednesday (3WW) provided just the provocation.  that coupled with playing with new poetic forms makes for some interesting results.  [3WW=>grimace, phase, stumble(d)]