7 Last Call: I See Myself in Black & White

It's time to step out of the darkness;
dust off this cloak of shadows;
unfurl these dormant wings intent on flying.

Too long I've been surrounded
by brilliant colors unable
to feel their sweet caress as
they poke at me so eager
to wrap me in their warmth, but
they bounce off me like ping-pongs.

It's time to step into the sunlight;
enrobe myself in lustrous colors;
awaken all that lies within me.

---

An Aside:  As stated in my tagline for ...don't open...don't throw away..., the purpose of this blog was/is to release the toxins that build up within me.  Since the start of this year, I have been feeling as though I have become too buried in my own head; I needed to escape myself.  I think that is one of the reasons I started a new blog.  I think it was a smart move; I've tapped into somethings that I might otherwise have not done. To be honest, getting outside of myself has been quite liberating (and taxing).   

In making the decision, I was hesitant to completely shut things down here.  I still have plenty of poisons seeping through my veins that need to be expelled.  So, I decided to cut down here to posting for two events:  dVerse Poets Pub's OpenLinkNight and on the last Wednesday of the month for Three Word Wednesday.  But an odd thing happened....  I missed a week.  Then I typed up this piece and posted it with the intent of sharing last week.  After about ten minutes of it sitting out there in cyberspace, I realized that I couldn't do it.  So I took it down.  That didn't stop me from visiting those brave souls who week after week step through the pub doors, but I couldn't bring myself to the stage. I think I have finally come to the conclusion that (at least for awhile) I'm tired of fighting my "stage fright."  

So while I will continue on the rare occasion to add my voice, for now I think I'll stick with just enjoying an amazing selection of poetry offered up by others.

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough...

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This is my silent contribution to this week's dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.

4 Silent Suffering

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Silent Suffering

Do mimes ever escape the box they've made?

The invisible wall built around me

closes in with every passing moment

I wait for it to collapse -- folding in

on me 'til it becomes skin I can shed.

I wait for someone's touch to set me free,

but how can they possibly get so near

with this invisible wall around me.

I try to hold on as paralyzing fear

closes in with every passing moment

my heart races, my breath catches.  It's clear

I wait for it all to just collapse in -- 

torn between the idea I'll disappear

and the chance I might awaken within.

I scratch at skin that refuses to shed

waiting for the touch that will set me free

but hope dwindles with each passing moment

that the real me might awaken within.

Do mimes ever escape the box they've made?

6 Last Call: Stealing Shadows

---

Stealing Shadows

In the shadows of who I long to be,
I stand waiting for you to take my hand;
steel my fears, so I might finally shine
and rejoice in the warmth of light's sweet kiss.
There's so much in me longing to break free!

Yet here I am wandering in this wasteland,
consumed by darkness both inside and out,
blindly searching for you to take my hand.

It's naive of me to think you'll wipe away doubt--
stealing my fears.  Oh how I long to shine,
unearthing the me striving to break out.

and rejoice in the warmth of light's sweet kiss.
Still the darkness muffles my cries and shouts.
I'm scared I shall live forever like this.

There is so much in me longing to break free,
but I'm lost, wandering this wasteland.
Fears steal my will making it hard to shine.
I'm scared I will forever live like this
in the shadows of who I long to be.

---

This one took quite some effort.  Although part of that would be due to an overwhelming amount of work-related stress stealing my motivation to do much more than focus on breathing.  I started this on Monday in the hopes of making it into dVerse Poets Pub by Tuesday.  I finished about a third of it (though given the repetition of lines that isn't saying much).  Tuesday, unfortunately, disappeared from me leaving me to finish it today.  I'm impressed I managed to make it in before last call.  It's actually been awhile since I made my way through the doors this late.  Although I am quite familiar with taking the stage so late.  I think I actually prided myself in doing so.  

This particular expanded nota sprouts from a pom seed.

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This is my offerings for this week's dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.

2 Time Capsule: Love at First Sight?

Title:  Love at First Sight?
Date:  02-10-02
Setting:  Life after college--during second post-college job
Form:  Free verse

Love is a mystical connection
between
two people
A connection of mind
knowing what the other is thinking
finishing one another’s sentences
answering before the question is even asked
A connection of the body
knowing what the other wants
reading one another’s signals
longing for just the simplest of touches
A connection of emotions
knowing what the other is feeling
allaying one another’s fears
comforting each other without even a word
Love is a mystical connection
Can it be found in a simple glance?
a single moment in time?
Can such a bond
of mind, body, and spirit
be struck without even a word
There are those who believe so
and though I am not one of them
I cannot deny
that with a simple glance
in a single moment
one person may be drawn to another
not because of looks
or appearances of wealth
but by some mystical force
which hopes to spark within them
a desire to discover everything
there is to know about the other
leaving them susceptible
to that which is love.

Notes: I will go on record here...though I am a romantic at heart, I do not really believe in "love at first sight"--at least not in the truest sense of the phrase. I did my best to capture my thoughts awhile back in this particular piece.

Artifact I: Page one of original.

Artifact II: Page two of original.

9 Last Call: Embodying Her (Embracing Myself)

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Embodying Her (Embracing Myself)

she wades through my dreams just out of reach--
a dancer in the shadows of my grief.
I'm not sure how long she'll wait there for me
to realize the beauty I possess
while I struggle with a heart I can't breach.

Every once and again I catch a brief
glimpse of the person I'm supposed to be;
she dances in the shadows of my grief

bound to the darkness--longing to break free.
I wonder how long she'll wait there for me?
Full of pure love, she implores me to see

the amazing beauty that I possess--
dares me to embrace all that I should be
if I banish fear to love's sweet caress.

As I struggle with this heart I can't breach,
every once and again I feel a brief
ray of hope knowing she waits there for me.
Still I fear I'll never feel love's caress
for she wades through my dreams out of reach.

---

I realize this rambling probably will make no sense to anyone but me, still....

The other day while in the car (go figure, that is where all my harebrained ideas come from) I got to thinking about the nota (an invented form...because I was bored and have a thing for repetition).  Something about it being fourteen lines nagged at me and I wondered if it would be possible to expand it.  With my driving-hazed mind, I could picture the potential for adding the two additional lines with their repeating in the middle stanza.  Of course, when it actually came to putting it together I realized the patterned for the initial two middle stanzas didn't lend itself well to the expansion.  It did not take me long to puzzle through the issue and uncover a solution.  The additional line in the first stanza (technically #3) could be repeated not twice, but three times and surrounded in the middle stanza by the rhyme from the center of the other two triplets.  On a side note it was just coincidental that the non-repeating line rhymes also rhymed with the middle line of the first/last stanza.  

For those who can follow the pattern is such (with letters denote ending rhyme, capitals denote repeating lines, numbers assist in identifying where line will repeat--minor variations on repeating lines allowed as long as the final word remains intact)...

A1-B1-E1-C1-A2 / B2-d-B1 / d-E1-d / C1-d-C2 / A2-B2-E1-C2-A1 

I decided not to throw off my original lettering, just added in the repeating line with E, which works well seeing as how this is an "expanded" nota.

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This is my offerings for the dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.

4 CIHTD?: The Trouble Is

Title:  All About the Love
Artist:  Sister Hazel
Album:  20 in 10:  Digital Collection
Genre:  Rock

The Trouble Is

The puzzle lays scattered about the table;
brilliant shades of pink collecting dust
wait patiently for fingers to turn them over
and over and over and over searching for
the perfect fit.  Piece after piece yields nothing.

The candle light flickers with only my shadow;
an all consuming darkness shapes my form--
perpetually moving--lost in a sea of golden hues
threatening to swallow me whole with just the slightest
ill placed breath.  Sigh after sigh, my silhouette distorts.

The world just laughs knowing there's no perfect fit.
The sun refuses to shine knowing it too will cast
a solo shadow across the emptiness of my spirit.
And so here I sit waiting and waiting for enough.

Notes:  I first thought to name the poem Enough; even had it set before the first words spilled.  I hit the second to last line and I just couldn't make the connection.  So I glanced back at the song and the second line sparked the a new title.  The problem of course was that I still felt there needed to be something more to the poem.  And so the last line sprung up until "waiting and waiting."  Still I felt like I need to say what was being waited on, which is where enough crept back in.  I'm not sure about it.  I hear its meaning and understand its intent (particularly as it relates to the song), but I'm not certain it makes sense on its own or outside of my head.  Of course that won't stop me from employing it nonetheless.

4 CIHTD?: I'm Still Waiting for My Storybook Ending

Title:  Keep Believing 

Artist:  Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband
Album:  Brand New Shoes
Genre:  Rock

Notes:  So I got to the third stanza at the "of magic..." part when I felt a little itch of familiarity.  A quick little search and I discovered that this is not the first time this song brought inspiration; I wrote a poem, How much darker can it get?, back in September.

I'm Still Waiting for My Storybook Ending

I find it hard to believe
in love at first sight
when love is blind.

I find it hard to believe
that everything will be alright
when sometime alright is not being alright.

Still I dream
with every bone in my body
with every breath that I take
I still dream
of magic and love
of angles and family
of friends and miracles

I find it hard to believe
anyone will ever read my story,
open me up, and find the beauty
lying within.

I find it hard to keep fighting
when every bone in my body
says to let go.

Still I dream
in the pitch black that engulfs me
waiting for the dawn. 

---

An Aside:  I had intended this to occur during my Time Capsule post on Sunday, but I got sucked into writing some lunes after being introduced to them over at dVerse Poets Pub.  I even had a poem in mind for Sunday's post.  (Who knows, maybe I'll still use it.)  Anyway, this is my 500th post (WooHoo!!), which I'm making just shy of ...don't open...don't throw away...'s three year anniversary.  No worries, I have another "the past... the future..." post planned out for that day.  Smiles!!

3 Time Capsule: New Year's Resolution & New Year's Resolution: Counterparts

Titles:  New Year's Resolution & New Year's Resolution: Counterparts
Date:  between 12/01/04 and 01/11/05 and 01/03/06 (respectively)
Setting:  Life after college--during second post-college job
Form:  Free verse

New Year's Resolution

Meet a man
Get plastered
Sing Karaoke
Go skinny-dipping
Fall in love   
Not necessarily in that order
Plastered seems the logical start
giving enough courage to break into song
loosing enough inhibitions to disrobe
finding enough moxie to flirt
loosening up enough to let someone in
Yeah, that definitely may take a drink or two

New Year's Resolution:  Counterparts

Reinstate Poetry-List Emails
counterpart
Refocus on writing my next great novel
if the poetry’s going to suck
the story might as well be good.

Watch all unopened movies in collection
counterpart
go to the movies alone
if I can watch a movie at home by myself
then surely I can manage a theater ‘alone’.

Be more social
counterpart
Only each chocolate on days that end in ‘sday’
if I’m going to have to deal with people
I can’t give up my sugar high completely.

Notes:  I thought with the new year knocking on the door it would be a good idea to revisit these two pieces.  They were written a year apart from each other.  Both consist of a shortlist of resolutions.

Artifact I:  The email of New Year's Resolution:  Counterparts I sent out after reinstating my Poetry-List Emails.

6 Bejewel Me

I don't need fancy jewelry
adorning my neck
nor diamond encrusted earrings
dangling from my ears.

Maybe I'm an abnormal gal,
but I'd much rather
you lavish me with your words 'til
I sparkle from within.

---

This little number is inspired by this week's Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>abnormal, dangle(-e+ing), lavish].  Once I figured out how I wanted to use lavish, dangle came naturally.  Abnormal...well, I managed to somewhat fit it in.

2 Time Capsule: Old Magic

Title:  Old Magic
Date:  04/22/11
Setting:  ... don't open ... don't throw away ...
Form:  Free verse

i drank in whispers
sweet sounds
carried from the moon

soon sleep took me

teardrop dreams danced
raining balloons
blue
          yellow
                       green
only to pooled
near my true love

Notes:  When I started this blog, I set up some rules that would force me to write; I could not remember the last time I had written.  Included with these rules was one that had me composing on the spot with little to no editing once published.  That rule forced me to compose with fingers on keyboard and while I do enjoy this medium, paper and pencil have been my weapon of choice.  

The poem I selected this week is from a prompt that came from OneStopPoetry's Friday Poetically with Brian Miller.  I can't be certain (with OSP off the air now), but I believe the prompt had us take words from another source (I want to say a Shel Silverstein poem, but I could be wrong) and use them in something new and different.  In order to accomplish this feat, I wrote down a slew of the words in a journal which was just itching for words to breathe life into it.

You'll notice the words are grouped by first letter.  My guess is that originally I had thought I might try a poem were all (or at least most) of the words began with the same letter; it did not turn out that way in the end--as you can see.  In the end I created a short little whimsical piece.

A couple of days after writing the poem above, I composed one called reunited, which spoke about...well...being reunited with my paper and pencil.  I started this blog almost three years ago after a spell of not writing at all;  put it all together and paper-pencil and I had not been together for at least three years.  I know that some time this week I spoke about my little hiatus from here and how upon returning (in full force) I allowed my blog rules to continue to be suspended and instead created my themes as a way to inspire (continuous) writing.  The other thing I took up, which started with the poem presented here is a journal full of writing.  

I think that's enough babbling for today.  Maybe one day I'll talk about the difference between tapping out poems with fingers and pouring out words on paper with pencil.

Artifact I:  Original list...don't ask where the poem is on this page...I can't quite figure it out myself.

4 Can I Have This Dance?: Don't Let Go

Title:  Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Artist:  Lady Antebellum
Album:  Lady Antebellum
Genre:  Country

Don't Let Go

I just can't take,
nor forsake, how
you make me feel;

should I reveal
your gaze steels me--
appeals to base

needs to embrace
your sweet face while
I brace myself

scared I'll rebel--
say farewell--or
this spell that shades

your eyes will fade.
I can't wade in,
afraid to love.

Notes:  I often struggle with what song to pick; it's not because lack songs that inspire, but rather I focus on the inspiration having to hold true to the meaning of the song.  Sometimes it's just a single line that inspires and yields a thought far from the songs meaning.  I'm doing my best to get over the whole thing.  Because if a line from a song inspires than it should count.  Anyway, in the end I can't say that this hits the meaning of the song completely, but it does hold some of the overall meaning.

A Form Aside:  I have this thing about not deciding on a new form until I've given it a couple of goes, so I gave the Than Bauk a second go...well sort of the first go round I went for a "chained" than bauk while this time I tried the "staircase" than bauk. Still I'm not 100% sure of this form which was introduced to me over at dVerse Poets Pub, but definitely not ready to give up on it just yet.

12 Soul(mate) Searching

My heart stut-
ters; this cut burns
somewhat more than
I had planned.  Still
I scan each soul
with one goal to
feel whole--knowing
this searching yields
nothing but pain.

---

I (if you have not already figured this out) am one of the many who find writing in form to be frustrating and painstaking.  Still I enjoy the challenge (the same way I enjoy solving a good system of equations in three variables using augmented matrices...no serious I really do!).  So I took up the challenge presented at dVerse Poets Pub FormForAll and wrote the above Than Bauk (more accurately a "chained" Than Bauk).  To learn more about the form and check out how some quite talented individuals work through this very tight  form hop on over to the Pub...

An Aside:  I'm thinking this little number might fit very nicely with my "Diary of an Anorexic Love Life."

4 Can I Have This Dance?: Sick of Being

Title:  Extraordinary Girl
Artist:  Green Day
Album:  American Idiot
Genre:  Alternative & Punk

Sick of Being

I saw your reflection in the mirror;
my breath caught while the faintest of smiles
crossed your lips as our eyes met - so transfixed
by those beautiful glistening eyes full
with unshed tears - fears that tear at your heart. 

You're an extraordinary girl
trapped in an ordinary world
with no way for you to escape. 

That smile so rare steels my heart to the core
as it fades as quickly as it appeared.
So lost, for a split second, knowing (nay)
believing in the beauty that reflects
back - a thought so foreign, so out of sorts. 

You're an extraordinary girl
trapped in an ordinary world
with no way for you to escape. 

I saw your refection in the mirror,
caught the pain escaping your eyes - haunting
your essence.  How is it that the idea
you might posses - embody - such a word
like beautiful rips your insides apart? 

You're an extraordinary girl
trapped in an ordinary world;
Oh how I wish to finally
      escape my own reflection. 

Notes:  So I heard the first lines of this song and didn't really need to hear anymore to know what I was going to write.  Strangely I also found home for words that long ago came to mind:

Reflection

I saw your reflection in the mirror and had to catch my breaththe faintest of smiles crossed your lips as our eyes metyou transfixed me with those beautiful eyes glistening with unshed tears

4 Last Call: Fabricated Love

---

Fabricated Love

my heart quakes;
earth-shattering tremors
only I can feel
course through me.
I search for safety,
the open embrace
of -- the only thing I have
to cling to -- fabricated
love.

and so

I scroll through my memory
to find
one I might resurrect
one I might breathe 'life' back into

but while the list is vast
each has been reworked so many times,
worn down 'til threadbare,
unable to provide the warm embrace
meant to comfort me
meant to protect my heart

I'm tired
      tired of
inventing -- reinventing
that which eludes me otherwise
that which I've choosen to starve
myself of

and so
once again

I reluctantly fabricate
love.

---

An Aside:  I recently decided to take inventory of a collection I have (not) been working on, called Diary of an Anorexic Love Life (not to be confused with an Anorexic's Love Life).  I calculated, with those written prior to this blog and those composed here I was up to 17.  I read through each and sorted them into (five) categories. 

I've been kind of off the past couple of weeks--unable to find the words as easily as I would like.  Every thought quickly fizzles.  And so I guess with so little inspiration floating around my (unmotivated and overworked) mind, I thought it might be good to try to refocus myself on something.  And so here is number 18.

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This is my offerings for this week's dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.

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3 Can I Have This Dance?: Plaguing Me

Title:  I Can't Make You Love Me
Artist:  Bonnie Raitt
Album:  Luck Of The Draw
Genre:  Rock

Note:  When deciding to include CIHTD? as one of the themes to help get me back in the writing mode here on ...don't open...don't throw away..., I stated that I'd look to song to help inspire me to write--whether it be a poem, prose, or rambling.  Thus far each has yielded a poem; it seems only right that after so many poems it's time to branch out.  So here goes....

"I can't make you love me if you don't.  You can't make your heart feel something it won't."  

These words have been plaguing me for the past several months--often late at night as I climb the stairs.  And while I know the what the full song is about; and while occasionally I'll get to the next line, it is the first part--that quoted above--which weighs heavily on me.  Pull them out of the song.  Remove them from their intended context.  Make them their own simple statements of fact.  Forget about whose singing--whose being sung about.  

Every time these words escape my lips, my eyes begin to glass over.  Because I'm speaking to me. 

3 Can I Have This Dance?: Spark of Love

Title:  Through the Dark

Artist:  KT Tunstall
Album:  Eye to the Telescope
Genre:  Pop

Notes:  This song struck me the moment I listened to it.  Oddly, I think it inspired quite the opposite of it's intent.  But I've come to conclude that we will all take from someone else's words our own meaning regardless of their intent.  That doesn't mean we disregard the author's ideas, just fit them to ourselves.  If we couldn't do that--fit ourselves to someone else's words--what good are the words.  I'm off topic.  I'll just let my words speak for themselves--whatever you might make of them.

Spark of Love

I saw my future in the stars
long before you walked through the door
seeking to understand my scars.
Oh, how I wish I could give more,

but in leaving behind the shadows
I'm stepping out into pitch black--
stumbling to reach the light that grows
within you--trying not to look back

to the life alone I would build.
There's comfort in the loneliness;
wishes and desires unfulfilled,
but an odd comfort nonetheless.

Now I find myself reaching out,
longing to find you in the dark.
While I fight back the fear and doubt,
I cling to the hope your love might spark.

9 With a Kiss

"Do I amuse you?"  she asked with a look and tone that would wipe the smile off a hardened criminal.

He leaned back in his chair, overtly eying her carefully.  With a sparkle of laughter glistening in his eyes he replied.  "Yes."  Ever so slightly (he noticed) her jaw tighten.  Before she could speak again--chastise him for his answer--he stood, closed the small distance between them, and continued.  "I enjoy the way your jaw firms, the way your brow furrows, and the way your nose flares.  But what truly excites me, entices me, is the way your lips thin begging to be ravished back into their natural succulent state."

As the last few words exited his mouth, he raised his hand curling his fingers in and gently grazed her cheek with his knuckles.  All the laughter gone from his eyes; instead they spoke gleamed earnest and sincere.  "Tell me you don't feel it too?"

He watched the subtle dilation of her eyes, the slight droop of her shoulders, and the barely noticeable intake of breath.  That was all he needed.  He closed the last bit of distance between them and silenced the lips plea.

---

After toying with this week's Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>amuse, excite(s), sincere] as the potential for a poem, I desided it might be nice to tap into a bit of prose.  It has been a while since I last used this form of expression.  It was fun.

18 Last Call: Addiction

---

Addiction

I place my hand upon your chest,
touch my own and magic.  Pressure
within evaporates as our
rhythms sync.  It is so easy
to lose myself in all we are.

I feel your eyes--that steady gaze--
skim across my everything and
I melt.  Sensations strum throughout
harmonizing with the beat of
our hearts.  I lose myself in us.

I breathe you in.  Your essence runs
rampant--saturates my blood 'til
I'm flying high.  You're my controlled
substance--always there to help me
escape.  With you I lose myself.

---

I had the pleasure today of sitting through a two and a half hour training on gangs awareness.  Along with learning way more than I ever wish I had to know about gangs, the presentation touched on narcotics.  It was a very informative morning. --  So while I wrote half the first stanza prior to the training, the rest came afterwards.  I guess the meeting stuck a bit too well in my subconscious.

A Structure Aside:  I attempted a staggered meter for each stanza--iambic / trochee / iambic / trochee /iambic.  There are a couple of iffy spots, but it was an interesting experiment.

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The above poem was inspired by Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>beat, pressure, substance].  I you get a chance, check out what some wonderful writers were able to do with these three words.  

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This is my offerings for this week's dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.  

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5 Last Call: Your Open Heart

---

Your Open Heart

If you have any hope of keeping me,
be on your guard should love begin to shape
for in my heart I'll be already packed.
So lock the door and throw away the key!

I have a tendency towards escape--
to throw up walls--for me to run and hide.
Be on your guard when love begins to shape;

for once within your heart I won't unpack--
when it comes down to sharing what's inside;
you need to realize this simple fact.

Just lock the door and throw away the key;
I have a tendency towards escape.
You need to realize this simple fact,
if you have any hope of keeping me.

---

So, after my post where I gave form with both meter and rhyme a go, I decided to keep the rhythm going.  While this is not the same form (or technically any form for that matter though I have deemed it be called the Nota, formerly NAFF, 'cause I've written six poems now using this structure), it has a rhyming patter built in and I did my best to write in iambic pentameter.  I don't intend to move away from meter or rhyme for at least one (maybe if I'm brave, two) more poem.

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It seems yet again I have found inspiration from one of my Pom Seeds.  I knew they'd come in handy!

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This is my offerings for the dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight.  If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.  

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An (Audio) Aside: I'm extremely upset; the online application I use to record, store, and embed from is closing down its advanced features, which includes the audio.  Now I have to work on finding an alternative. But it was an awesome application:  easy to record, easy to edit, easy to add effects, easy to create a final product, easy to embed.  And all of this in one place online and free.  Very depressing.

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6 Beneath the Veil

Beneath the Veil.egg on Aviary.

---

Beneath the Veil

your piercing gaze
disturbs my equilibrium
I teeter between who I wish you to see
and who I am beneath the surface

Normally what lies beneath is easy to conceal
so weighed down by fears
ladened with numbing anxiety
she rarely sees the light of day
yet you
with your piercing gaze
dive straight into my core
pushing down appearances
ripping aside the veil of smoke and mirrors
exposing her to the light

your piercing gaze
draws me to the surface
untethering me from my fears and anxieties
allowing me to see me through your eyes

---

my small offerings at the dVerse~Poets Pub for this week's OpenLinkNight. 

side note:  i'm not sure what it is about today's recording, but i listen to myself and can't help but laugh at me...