13 Last Call: Crumbling Within

Crumbling Within

Just the thought of a hug
stirs an emotional rock slide
threatening to unravel
the carefully woven shield
surrounding the loss
yet to be dealt with.

It's a mistake
keeping it buried within
but the only remedy
that ever worked to clear
away the looming boulders
was the feel of your arms
wrapped around me.

---

I was hoping to try to escape myself for a little bit, try to find something outside of me to write about...something random like traffic lights.  But this week's Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>careful(ly), hug, mistake] seemed to have something else in mind.  Odd though, because I look at the words (even read them aloud several dozen times) and I do feel disconnected.  Maybe that is more about the emotions rolling around than the actual poem, but at the moment I'll be truthful and say I don't much care for this piece...maybe time will change that...

---

I've decided to double up this week and so ...

This is my offerings for this week's dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.

2 Last Call: Does Your Light Still Shine?

---

Blue Orb
(image by rmp, that's me)

Does Your Light Still Shine?

I've heard it said
a speck of dust floating
at the right moment
in the right light
can cause anomalies
in photographs.

Is it wrong for me
to hope that false?

I have a photo
where this beautiful
blue orb hovers
over my brother's chest
as he guides our nephew
--your grandchild--across
a hay bale mountain.

Is it wrong
for me to hope
it's not a speck of dust?

I stare at that photo
where my finger clicked that
light into digital permanency
and feel the tears surface.
The day before
a convergence of two
events--his birthday and
the day we laid you to rest.

Is it wrong
for me to hope
it not
a speck of dust?

Blue Orb (zoomed in)
(image by rmp, that's me)

---

This is my offerings for this week's dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight. If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.  

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3 Can I Have This Dance?: Unarmed

Title:  Mama's Arms
Artist:  Joshua Kadison
Album:  Painted Desert Serenade
Genre:  Rock

Notes:  When I heard this song last week there was no doubt in my mind that it would lend inspiration for today.  This week has been a hard week; I wonder if today were to have been on a Monday or a Tuesday would the build up to today not have been so difficult.  The first time I could only bring myself to ramble on the center of which was the hug.  Last year, I found my voice, but dulled the ache by conforming to blank verse so the emotions would not overwhelm.  Again the hug finding its way into my words.  This year, again I look to form and I speak of the hug. 

Form and I have a love-hate relationship.  I find it torture-some, yet when all is said and done quite satisfying.  And on a day like today the struggle gives my mind a focus that even given the topic helps to dull the pain.  This was not an easy form--rondeau.  Of course I made it harder on myself by trying to write in stressed-meter--iambic with an extra stress at the start or trochaic with an extra stress at the end. 

I admit, I labored over this for quite some time.  The first to verses not so evil, but the last....  I almost decided to throw in the towel on rondeau and go for my form of choice--free verse.  In the end, I seemed to have found my way--at least with this poem.

Unarmed

In your arms my fears dissolve away;
such a hug could make it all okay.
Every time emotions falter you
sheltered me; your warm embrace just knew
how to keep the pain and tears at bay.

Here I am--on this our special day--
lost; unarmed.  I stare towards the fray
scared, for in the past you saw me through
                                               in your arms.

Now I feel alone.  My world, pure grey,
tumbles all around to my dismay.
Just a touch could brighten up my view.
Oh how do I make this wish come true,
so again my fears might fade away
                                               in your arms.                      

---

A (3WW) Aside:  While the three words [3WW=>emotion(s), falter, touch] presented at Three Word Wednesday this week already found there way into a poem, the words seemed to have made there mark here.

2 Last Call: Direction Impaired

Direction Impaired.egg on Aviary.

---

Direction Impaired

Never lost -- only misplaced

I remember the lesson well,
the words spoken
upon encountering
a poorly posted detour.
It's all about retracing your steps
finding your way back--
locating that last identifiable marker
before all went south.

Never lost -- only misplaced

I can't begin to count
the number of times
those words
have echoed in my head.
It's all about remaining calm;
taking the next U-Turn--
making a K-Turn,
so you can reverse the traveled path.

Never lost -- only misplaced

But what...
                 what if you take too long
to realize you're misplaced?
                 what if you can't recall
every twist and turn?
                what if in retracing your steps
you end up in an endless cycle
passing the same landmark
over and over and over again?

Never lost -- only misplaced

I'm
       lost
and asking for directions
not an option;
there is no GPS for life.
So how do I find my way back?

Never lost -- only misplaced

Perhaps finding my way back
is
    the wrong direction;
perhaps my logic
is
    misplaced;
perhaps I need to stop trying
to find where I went off course,
but rather focus on where
I wish to be.

Never lost -- only misplaced

those words
                    keep echoing
in my head.

---

It took awhile for this pom seed to take root; I didn't use the original lines I thought I might, but we should just be happy it found its footing otherwise I would have had to write about paper towels.

Pom Seed:  Just Misplaced

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Having decided to hop back up on the stage, this is my offerings for the dVerse Poets Pub OpenLinkNight.  If you get a chance, check out all of the talented poets who have stepped up into the spotlight.

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0 Memories

my heart opens in a breathless sigh
with the first magnolia bloom
memories of you seep through my veins
like the lush floral fragrance wafting through the air
before the smile fully flourishes on my lips
the first petals fall like tears pooling at my feet
sweet memories tainted by loss suffered far too soon
blow away in the wind as the last petal drops

6 Treading Tears

Treading Tears.egg on Aviary.

---

Treading Tears

This salty ocean threatens to consume
where ripples of emotions build to crests
untamed and wild at times, then soft and mild.
I find myself forever treading waves
forever lost within this tempest's snare.
I long for your embrace to hold me safe
to soothe the raging waters deep within
to quiet suffocating thoughts and fears.

I long for you as always, but today
as into burning flames I stare with tears,
Poseidon's stormy wrath is fierce and strong.
The lights do flicker with another year
of celebration passing by once more.
Where previously both our names did ring,
I stand alone my lips remaining still.

Your hug is all I wish for with this breath
a hopeless wish, but still I cling to it,
my life vest filled with fading memories.
This salty ocean threatens to consume
as I do try to tread these silent tears.

---

my intent was blank verse (partially because i wasn't in the mood for rhyming, but) mainly i figured having to conform to a structure would help me from living the title of this poem. i'm filling a little iffy on the blank verse (particularly with 'life vest'), but i've decided not to over-'stress' myself this time with trying for perfection. the form served its purpose for me well enough.


inspiration for this piece came in part from dVerse~Poets Pub Poetics--The Watering Hole (hosted by Sheila Moore), which i unfortunately missed. and in part by this evening's impending song, which i had thought to end this poem with (a tricky one to write in iambic pentameter--had to break words over multiple lines), but its inclusion would defeat the purpose of choosing to use a form for this poem.


this is my contribution for tonight's OpenLinkNight over at dVerse~Poets Pub where a vast offering of talent writers come to share their love of poetry.

3 i need the dough

i knead the dough
roll
pull
twist
punch
just as i had watched you do
all those many times ago
i infuse the dough
immerse
saturate
imbue
soak
it with every emotion
i have bottled up
i have salted the dough
with my tears
in the hopes
of cleansing myself
ridding
melting
purging
the pain this day dredges up
the last thing i wish
is celebrate this day
our day
yours and mine
the one you suffered for
all those years ago
just so that we might share
this day
together
you and me
i knead the dough
roll
pull
twist
punch
wishing these hands were yours
instead of mine

---

in case your wondering, pizza.  


inspiration for this too salty treat comes from Three Word Wednesday [3WW=>cleanse(-e+ing), knead, melt(ing)].  

2 etched on my heart

like a photograph
your image is etched on my heart
that last breathing memory
holds fresh and raw
at times
i wish i could scrape it away
burn away the glisten trails
that grace my cheeks
and then
there are times
i wish i could be transported
back to that moment
wrap my arms around it
and never let go

---

that's all the tears that blur my vision will allow me to write...my heart feels there is still more to be said, but it's too tongue-tied at the moment.


created in response to Jingle Poetry's Poetry Potluck [photographs, memories, and nostalgia]...(i'm arriving a little late to the party, but i'm sure no one will mind too much.)

10 Tanka: Pink Rain

Pink Blooms
(image by rmp, that's me)

#1
magnolia's first bloom
brings sweet memories of you

Pink Dusted Boughs
(image by rmp, that's me)

with gorgeous pink hues
too soon petals fall like tears
purging pain to grow anew

Visions of Pink
(image by rmp, that's me)

#2
beneath lovely boughs
dusted with gorgeous pink hues
i watch it rain
flurries of petals drift down
like scattered visions of you

---

my favorite part about spring is those few weeks were the trees are dusted in hues of pinks, whites, and purples.  i'm not sure what it is about them, but my heart sighs at the sight of those lovely branches.  For One Stop Poetry's Friday Poetically, we were ask to melt away the last bits of snow that coat our thoughts and think of spring.  in doing so, i found myself think of those blossoming trees and one in particular that haunts my mind.  thus you may find there are whispers of sorrow in these two pieces, but a bit of hope too i'd like to think.

0 had i only known

had i known
my last goodbye would be greeted by cold hard stone...
when it could have been met with a smile and kiss that spoke louder than words...

had i known
my last embrace would be an empty fleeting memory...
no longer possessing the warmth and comfort that holds the power to heal me...

had i known
my last words would dissolve into irrelevant meaningless nothing...
when they could have encased within them the power and strength of my love...

had i known
that is was my last chance...

would it have made things easier to bear...

would i have said and done things differently...
would the tears not flood, threating to drown me, but puddle instead...
would the memory of my last hug hold fresher and warm me when i need it the most...

had i only known

---

'to know or not to know, that is the questions'...how does your last chance at something change with the knowledge that it is your last chance?  this post was inspired in part by Poetic Asides' Wednesday Prompt...and in part by the tears that still threaten to drown me...

0 Peacefully

She sleeps so peacefully, yet not at all
the world seems to stop, slip away, and fall
disappearing right in front of my eyes
threatening to tare away my disguise
     Why does everything suddenly seem small?

Time ticks and fear begins to creep and crawl
building within me, it constructs a wall
holding back the tears that are on the rise
threatening to pour like dark cloudy skies
     She sleeps so peacefully...

She lays there so still, covered in her shawl.
How do I reverse this?  How do I stall?
How do I let go of my fear? my guise?
I'm just not ready to say my goodbyes.
It's too soon for her to answer this call.
     She sleeps so peacefully...

---

thought i'd explore a new form...rondeau.  took a bit of an effort to get through this.  all was not as easy a word for rhyming.  as for eyes, i ended up switching to it after writing the first stanza with hole as the second rhyme.  the toughest part though was the wall that once kept the tears at bay has begun to crack and crumble.

0 My One Hundredth Post (Technically 97)

today's a special day
hitting 100 is really nice
technically 97, I must say
if you wish to be precise

hitting 100 is really nice
though not something I could have done alone
if you wish to be precise
I was never really on my own

though not something I could have done alone
every word was mine--inspired to write
I was never really on my own
it was a very hard fight

every word was mine--inspired to write
I struggled to find the words inside me
it was a very hard fight
trying to set the words free

I struggled to find the words inside me
yet I pressed on with my plight
trying to set the words free
guided by a love that still burns bright

yet I pressed on with my plight
ignoring the pressure and pain
guided by a love that still burns bright
I use the words to keep myself sane

ignoring the pressure and pain
making me feel like a hundred percent
I use the words to keep myself sane
after all that was their intent

making me feel like a hundred percent
technically 97, I must say
after all that was their intent
today's a special day

(This poem marks a special day.  After seven months, I have hit the one hundred mark--not something I would have been able to do if not for a dream that asked me to rediscover the right side of my brain and the words that have not flown in quite some time.  It only seemed fitting that I would challenge myself with yet a new poetic form.  Hopefully I did not butcher this new form to badly, though I must say it was a fun one to work through.)

0 today would be a really good day for a hug...

i'm not sure i can make it through today.  part of me would just like to sit at home alone and allow the tears to fall at will; maybe finally let go of it all.  what i want is my hug; and that is no longer possible.  i'm sure i'm not the only one who will find things hard today, but unlike them, who would prefer to be around family, i like being alone where I don't have to worry putting on my mask.

today should be a happy day--doubly happy.  i feel horrible--wanting to be alone, when i know they don't want to be alone.  i should be stronger, though i know that is stupid to think.  i have every right to feel as i do.

today should be a day of celebration, but under normal circumstances i don't care much for the whole hoopla business.  these are not normal circumstances.

what i would give for a hug...i really miss the hug, today.

0 perfect hug

if i had known...i would have asked for a hug...if i had only known...i might never have let go...

0 just a hug...

if i had known, i would have ask for a hug.  that's all, just a simple hug.  well not simple really, this was a hug that had a way of making things feel like they would be alright.  this was a hug that made me feel safe and secure.  this was a hug that made my worries melt away.  this was a hug that could squeeze the troubles out of me.  this was a hug that made me feel whole.  no where have i been able to find such a hug but in those arms.  if i had known that i would never get the chance to feel the security of those arms around me ever again, i would have stolen one that last chance i had.

0 Happy Mother's Day

Front of Card:

Hopes and Dreams
All wrapped up in
Patience and in
Pride that
You have shown in me

Memories of happy times
Overflow in my mind
Times you
Held me tight
Even when I pushed
Rest assure you were there
'
Strengthening me

Driving me
Always with
Your love


Inside of Card:

I wrote the words on the front last year while I was supervising a small group of students in the art room. When the day ended I took it with me and placed it above the visor in my car figuring I had several day to finish it. The card has sat there since then; time escaped me and I ended up buying a card instead. I it pulled down a couple of months ago and read over the words that still ring true, not an easy task through the tears.

Anyway, I figured it was time to finish it. So I put my meager artistic ability to work on the front. The magnolia tree already bloomed this year; it has always amazed me how with in a breath they bloom and then vanish. Their smell was intoxicating as usual and I couldn’t help but think of you and how much you use to enjoy the fleeting blooms.

I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day!!

0 still unreal...yet not

Today is four months.  I do my best not to think about it, because I can feel my eyes glass over and the tears welling in the corners of my eyes.  Here I sit...in her seat.  I remember my dad talking about how it would be his seat now, like it was a badge of honor, a privilege.  Meanwhile it seems I have instead made this my second home.  Sometimes it feels weird occupying this seat, like I don't belong; I can't really explain it. 

Four months...I think about the future sometimes...of pinnacle moments in time...I thought Christmas would be hard...but my mind runs to Mother's Day and our birthdays and I don't know how I'll handle them...  Part of me hopes that the thinking will be worse than the actual event...only time will tell...

2 my subconscious

I had a dream...
not all that unusual for me;
as an avid sleeper, I'm an avid dreamer.

my mother appeared to me...
echoing my recent thoughts; 
it's time I started focusing on my writing again.

it has been quite some time...
since I've wielded the written word;
since the juices last flowed out.

the words float to the surface...
refusing to assemble into functioning thoughts;
rather they push against me begging to be freed.

it is time...
if my dream is any indication;
that I have too long forgot myself...
it is time to begin creating myself once again.