0 paralyzing fear

the shadow man came today
i caught his black figure
out of the corner of my eye
fear took hold immediately
i quickly turned my gaze away
and shut my eyes tight
still i felt his outstretched arms
press firmly upon my body
pinning me down were i lay
i fought to breathe
i fought to relax my body
i fought to calm my nerves
i fought the need to fight
still he read my mind
like an open book
just the thought of moving
caused the pressure to intensify
pushing me further down
i did my best to quell the panic
repeated my mantra over and over
focusing on just moving my feet
just my feet
just my feet
slowly but surely
i kicked my way out of yet another
waking nightmare
only to be sucked back in
this time
to a figure-free
bout of sleep paralysis

---

i don't meet the shadow man too often.  he is an oddity that pops up upon occasion when i have an episode.  his presence adds another element to an already taxing experience.  it no longer about just not being able to move; he brings with him the added effect of pressure--like someone or something is pinning you down.  as though being awake an unable to move wasn't bad enough.


if you haven't already met this sister poem to this, check out Waking Nightmare.
if you haven't already read my rambling on this topic, check out sleep paralysis.

5 Waking Nightmare

waking in a fog
like rising from a drug induced slumber
eyes are wide open
absorbing the familiar surroundings
the mind wakes slightly
as the realization starts to set in
the body lies bound
an invisible vise holding it down
this is not a dream
struggling only serves to tighten the hold
breathing becomes hard
the chest tightens as panic rises up
words fight to escape
their attempt thwarted by an unseen gag
fear clenches the heart
as sleep threatens to drag me back under
perpetuating
an endless cycle of torture and dread
ironically
the thought of not waking from this nightmare
of being trapped here
unable to fight the invisible
that binds my body
is just as debilitating as this
sleep paralysis

---

they say sound or touch can help bring you out of this, but what happens if you live alone with no person to rouse you with their touch and no animal to lick your ear.  my bouts with sleep paralysis do take quite a toll...being completely conscious of what is around you, but unable to move...


this post was awakened from within by Poetic Asides' Wednesday Prompt.

0 sleep paralysis

it has a name.  i don't know what took me so long to look it up, but i finally did.  typed in 'dream paralysis' and low and behold found out that it wasn't just me.  there really exist a clinical definition for what i experience.  i read through a couple of different sites and checked out several videos.  some videos were documentary type; other videos were people explaining there experience.  oh, and there is apparently some lore behind the whole thing, 'old hag' and others.  there are two different types, one that includes hallucinations including sound and shadows; the other type is simply the inability to move.  very interesting really.

there are some discrepancies with my experiences.  one, they state sleep deprivation as one of the reason for it.  As far as i'm concerned, i am most definitely not sleep deprived.  i actually curbed the amount i slept to keep it at bay because it seems the more i sleep the more likely it is to happen.  i'm also a little interested in finding out what waking from this sleep paralysis is like for others.  for me, i am not only physically a little sluggish, but my mind/brain is in a big giant fog.  it takes a good hour or so for me to finally feel normal after waking from an episode. 

knowing though helps.  it should take some of the fear out of it.  though i doubt the fear will ever disappear.