something to hold on to

I remember the first time I met him.  I remember the first time he smiled at me; the first time he made me laugh.  I remember the first time he tucked my hair behind my ear and stole the moment to brush the back of his fingers across my cheek and along my jaw line.  I remember the first time he kissed me; the first time I kissed him.  I remember the first time he stood behind me wrapping his arms around me and how as I leaned back into his embrace I felt like I was home.  I remember the first time he made me truly feel beautiful.  I remember the first time he looked into my eyes and told me he was in love with me.  I remember a lie, a fabrication of my imagination, for that is all he is, all he was. 

But it is time that I give him up.  It is time that I let go of what is not in the hopes that it will open me up for what is.  I have used him to feed my starving soul and I am scared to relinquish him.  Partly because I fear he is all I will ever know; all I will ever have.  But more so, I am scared of really finding him, of allowing him to find me; terrified of him truly seeing me.